"to be great--is to be misunderstood!" r. emerson

Beyond Me....

2012-01-27T16:24:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of important thoughts running through my head this week about what to write this week on this blog.

I thought about writing about how I just don't accept "ignorance" as an excuse. I don't care if people are ignorant--cause really, don't we choose (for the most part) to be (or stay) ignorant? So, when I get that excuse of "well, they weren't trying to be offensive, they were just ignorant (especially about people with disabilities) I just want to say that ignorance is not a good excuse. It's 2012! It doesn't mean any of us are perfectly knowledgeable, but in this day and age, for those of us who are basically well educated anyway--do we really have the right to use the excuse of "ignorance"?

OR

I thought about blogging about politics--and about consequences--and about how there seem to be those who think they shouldn't have to face consequences--and those of us who realize that consequences are part of the plan--and make EVERYTHING conditional (including love, thank you!). But--then I thought better of opening the political "can of worms".

So--instead I'm going to write about things beyond me. I learned something this week--about how someone else has been treated. Someone who is different than me. And I was reminded yet again that there are some things that are just beyond me.

I just can't fathom how others can honestly be "that" way. It's not that any of us are perfectly not guilty of believing a stereotype. I think everyone has likely been guilty of assumptions and even some amount of prejudice.

BUT--I guess what is beyond me, is that I was raised to recognize these (assumptions that turn into prejudice) in myself, and CORRECT them!!!! And, my assumptions didn't have to be proven wrong in order to correct myself.

So--it's just beyond me how other people can be such the opposite of this.

Now--don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that this is beyond me!

But--I just can't fathom it. It's like (in my mind)--on one level my brain "gets" it--but on another (the higher level, I suppose)--it just doesn't.

Now--to turn that "beyond me" on it's side:

Have you ever experienced a time, physical health wise, where something was "beyond" you?

Where the physical problems you were experiencing were just beyond your ability to "overcome" alone?

I have--more than once.

It's an interestingly hard experience. Luckily, each time I was able to find the treatment I needed to solve the problem (the last one I experienced, though, the treatment was pretty darn expensive--it involved moving! Oye!)

Anyway--I was pondering this as I was walking today--and remembered being a teenager.

See--at one point as a teenager, I gave in. I was so convinced that I was not beautiful enough, skinny enough, and of enough worth--that I needed to "fix" my physical appearance by giving into a horrible addiction (meaning--not a d r u g addiction--but an addiction involved with food, purging, etc).

I had yet to "give in"--but I had tried. But this day--as I attempted to give in--something happened. Through my tears--I heard a voice--luckily it was the Spirit.

And you know what it said "There are more important things than this". As I looked in the mirror, it said it again "There are MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN THIS!!!"

And--I realized what I was being told.

See--knowing myself, it could have been easy to give into the obsession. And the "opposition" LOVES for us to obsess, and distracting us from what is important for us to do here on this earth.

But, there are more important things for us all to do.

So--I started to research, and learn. Even though I had never been wholly successful, I realized that "eating disorder" was where I was at.

I read, and learned--and realized that I had to choose something different.

Do I feel lucky I never wholly "gave in". Yes--but, I have some ability to fathom the reality of these issues.

So now--I purposefully choose to NOT do specific things.

For example--I do not own a scale. When I've lived in houses with scales, I obsess.

I am aware of calories, but counting each of them can be dangerous for me. So I have to be very careful about that.

Because of other health issues, I cannot have an empty stomach without severe pain and consequences. Thus, I've had to accept who I am--every last molecule of myself.

AND--that although others may judge me as having a problem that is "beyond me" because I"m not "skinny"---I have learned to see beyond these judgements.

NOW--this is not easy--AT ALL. It means focusing on health--some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others. Some months--and some years--are better than others.

It means I have to recognize prejudice for what it is--and face that head on. But, by focusing on health--I have to give and have faith in the Lord--and that, as imperfect as my physical appearance may be to the world, that He will help me.

Thus--I eat, I exercise, I sleep. I watch and am careful about my health and health problems. Sometimes the problems (as in now) mean I have to make health choices others may judge. I have had to learn (and remind myself) that they don't know the whole story--and they don't matter.

But mostly--this has taught me that there are MORE IMPORTANT things than how we look, and even, how we feel. As I've grown through this experience--I've realized that what the Lord has been teaching me is that it's not about me--it's about Him. It's not that He does not want us to be healthy---but even health is not as important as doing what He wants, following the Commandments, and Following Him (having a mother with terminal cancer has helped me learn this as well. What is important at this point is not her health--as much as it has been and continues to be her choices in life).

So--in this month of "resolutions"--I remind myself that, although some of my health problems are "beyond me", that the Lord will help me with it all.

What a beautiful thing!

(P.S. Although with all of this--I must still admit that if I see one more signing WWer's comercial, I may just through something at J. Hudson! Can they just be done--cause it's getting annoying!)

Difficult

2012-01-19T18:47:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I've blogged about this before.

But I hate it when people use "difficult" as an excuse.

I had to deal with that today--

With people who couldn't imagine that someone with a disability could do most any job--

Cause it would be "difficult"--

Big whoop--is what I say!

As if life is easy?

Some people just can't seem to fathom that there are people with all types of disabilities who do all types of jobs.

--that there are people with all types of disabilities who go to college, or raise families, who have independent, fulfilling lives.

I said today that if I had a specific disability that I would want people to know that I was capable and independent.

And some people looked at me amazed.

Oh my stupid!!! And "pity" full!!!!

It is when I just want to tell people "Who do you think you are? What, because life is hard, it should not be tried? Don't sit there and feel sorry for people, in your little "box" that tells you how the world is supposed to be!"

Get outside the box people--try Googling a little bit--and broaden your dumb mind!!!

The number one thing that holds back people with disabilities is NOT their disability--

It's other people's lousy and "pity" full attitudes!!!

And lack of ability to think outside their boring little boxes--and see HOW things could be, instead of how difficult they think it is or would be!

Thank you for letting me rant and rave! It's been that type of experience today!

Random.....everything?

2012-01-10T23:50:00.000-08:00

My mind has been racing as of lately--pondering on a lot of subjects.

So many that I don't know if I can remember them all here.

I'll try to write about some of the "randomness"....

**I recently read one of my favorite blogs. The lady who writes it is very insightful. She is fighting skin cancer--she's at the "maintenance" level now. So--she gets a maintenance chemo about once a month.

She wrote about how sometimes she looks in the mirror--and does not recognize who she is.

She said, yes--some of this is cause of the chemo (although she is not bald, and the side-effects, luckily, have been reasonably minimal)--but still "poison shows through"--

It reminded me of recently reading about Shannon Miller.

For those who may not remember, she was a member of the "Magnificent 7" USA Women's Gymnastic team of 1996. This last year (2011) was the 15th anniversary of their gold medal win (YES--you read that right--FIFTEENTH!!!)

I was linked to her website, where she writes about her recent "battle" with ovarian cancer: http://shannonmillerlifestyle.com/

I really liked her website. Although she promotes healthy lifestyles, she isn't "in your face" and cruel about it.

Have you ever noticed how cruel supposed "healthy lifestyle (mainly weight loss) comercials and stuff like that are? And we let these incredibly inhumane and rude concepts rule our lives so much....ugh....

Anyway--I digress.

My point is--the thirties are an interesting decade.

At this time, my friends who had children in the 1990's have teenagers.

In fact--some of those teenagers are "future" college-student aged....

Even those who had children in 2000 will have 12 year old's this year.

And I look in the mirror--and think "How did that happen?".

I realize that many of my friends will be becoming grandparents, at the same time I'm finally becoming a parent. Little bit of an ugh...

I'm not sure if it makes me feel younger, or older?

My 30's have been eventful. Just in a very different way than most of my friends.

But, I agree with the blogger I wrote about--sometimes I look in the mirror--and go "hmmm--when did that happen?"

I don't typically ask "who is that"--I recognize myself very well.

But--I remember around about 31 looking in the mirror and going "wow--I look different....."--as the blogger talked about. It's not a bad thing--just something that we have to get used to---this "aging" thing.

I don't mind it--am not really afraid of it (although the gray hair is annoying!)--but it is kind of weird. It's like "wasn't I just 25?"

**I hate it when people say things, seemingly on purpose, to see my reaction. Especially when I think they want to see my reaction as a member of the LDS Church.

Part of this is because there are many circumstances in which I do not feel it is appropriate for me to voice my actual thoughts--mainly because it will just cause negativeness or contention. I typically wait until I either feel prompted to say something--or for a more opportune situation to say something.

I do stand for what is true--but I also feel it's important to not shove "truth" in other's faces--from my experience this typically leads to contention.

I try to follow what Elder Oaks says in this wonderful CES talk: http://lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2011/10/truth-and-tolerance?lang=eng

But--I also worry--I don't want others to assume that my silence in inopportune situations as acceptance of wrong.

Although--I suppose that since I still get those times when someone seems to be trying to "set off something" that perhaps my life choices and example is enough?

It is like Elder Oaks says--there is moral truth. Moral truth needs to be defended---but moral truths should not be forced, and negative treatment of those who believe differently typically does not promote good.

It's a very frustrating balance--and typically leads me to prayer--begging the Lord to help me know what to do and what to say--or when not to say something.

So--perhaps I just need to accept those times when my mind is blank, and I don't know what to say as a time that the Lord wants me to not set off contention?

The other part that is frustrating--is especially when someone comments about things they have NO idea about (i.e. issues in SLCity, for example--when they've never been there)--just cause I "raise an eyebrow" does not mean that I did so for the reason they assume. But--when they say it to try to possibly set off some kind of reaction from me (at least, that's how I feel)---I try to have no reaction--or minimal (raised eyebrow). Again, though--I just hope they don't assume this reaction means I agree with them--arg!

**I finally watched 17 Miracles. It was well done. This makes me happy. I'm grateful the Lord presents miracles (especially the visitation of angels) typically when we least expect it. Cause sometimes realizing how close we are to "others" is so comforting--and sometimes it just feels weird. I love one of the "out-takes"--one of the deleted scenes--where an angel appears to one of the sisters while she's struggling with her cart--and her look of "What the what?"

The other thing I like about the film is the representation of the "non-typical" situations--the person with a disability, the single mother who left her abusive husband, the little girl sent on her own, and so forth.

It's comforting to know that, in reality, many were in "non-typical" situations. It made me think of my great great great grandmother--who was a member of the same Willie party. She lost both her parents and her best friend on the trip. She was completely alone, with only a sister back in England who had also joined the Church--but did not come to the US for many more years.

Once she got to UT, she married and had a child with a man, and later was granted a divorce from Brigham Young. She (as far as we can tell) was not awarded full custody of her daughter. She later became a plural wife--but actually took on at least 9 children not her own because the man's first wife left him.

She bore at least 10 children. Before she became a plural wife she was a working mother (working outside of the home). She continued, of course, to be a working mother in the home all the rest of her life.

But--the movie made me think of how her life was certainly not "typical"--and perhaps we forget in this Church, how most of the early members lived very atypical lives--atypical from what many in the Church assume is the "norm".

It's comforting to me....to know this.

Especially as the "goal" is different now--to build "Zion" where we are--to seek out those who need the truth beyond the mountains of UT.

I've traveled those "roads" more than once now--between IA to UT--but typically I was going "backwards"--the opposite direction of my great great great grandmother.

It almost seems odd--that they gave up so much to get to UT--yet I think it's the way it was meant to be.

The Saints needed the time to "grow and learn" within the mountain "walls". And now, their posterity, needs to grow beyond the walls.

It's actually a beautiful thing, I think.

**Oh--and I feel really bad for Levi S. Man--he took on a lot of "blame" by just being honest about the risks. But, I do believe that each member had to consciously choose to stay the course--and they would not be able to make that decision consciously if he had not outlined specifically for them what risks they were truly taking. Just my opinion.

Okay--there's some of the randomness going on in my brain....

Annoying...what do you think?

2011-12-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

So--the "best laid plans" typically don't happen.

This year I saved the tree and decorations to bring up to where the "fam" was all going to meet.

Yup--I didn't put up a tree--or any of my decorations.

At the time (throughout December) it all made sense.

I still had boxes everywhere--the house was a mess--and needed to be cleaned (which it beautifully was) before my parents came to stay for a couple days.

My mom is on her second life-time round of chemo--so clean is what we needed.

Well--of course--a kid in my sister's family came down with stomach flu--

Which mean they didn't come until late Christmas Day.

Which meant I had spent almost $200 to rent a condo for 1 day that I didn't get to "share".

Which meant we didn't bother putting the tree up--cause it was supposed to be where "Santa" was going to leave everything.....

So yup--I spent Christmas Day with no tree, no Santa, bored to anger literally.

I mean--love my parents--but spending Christmas Day with my bald sick mom---well--just reminded me of what future Christmas Days will mean....

I know--people not going through this same hell would say "seize the day"---but honestly--

I cursed cancer, cursed germs, cursed stomach flu, and cursed my sis and her husband who couldn't even get there early enough for the Christmas dinner I spent tons of money, and lots of time on.

I know--Christ would be calling me "Martha"---

Or would He be kindly giving me a hug and telling me He understands?

Anyway--so here's the annoying....

I feel like I've been cheated.

I've definitely learned a lesson. I'm not saving the Christmas Tree for any "best laid" plans next year--even if it's incredibly difficult to find time (and a clean place) to put it up next year.

Oh--and I'm NOT spending a fortune on a condo or Christmas Dinner next year--who knows--I may end up with just my "own" best laid plans for the actual days.

What's honestly annoying--is that I've noticed the older I get--the more I hate the actual Day of Christmas.

Love the lead up--don't even despise the "lead down" the week after (although yes, that "lost and where are we going feeling" is still there.

I actually was glad earlier this month--thinking that emotionally putting up the tree would be too hard this year--without the nieces and nephew to take my mind off of everything.

But now--well, this is annoying--but do you think it would be weird to get home and put the tree up?

I mean-- I had it up last year until February (never ever thought I'd be one of "those" people--but last year I just did not have the energy to take it down until the end of February--and most of January I was not in the state where the tree was....)

Cause honestly--I missed the tree--and find it offensive that after being cheated out of the "tree"--to not get one until next year.

What do you think?

I See Thestrals Christmas Club

2011-12-26T19:43:00.000-08:00

I've been planning on posting this post again for quite a long time. Anyone who knows me really well knows that Christmas is NOT my favorite holiday. Since I was about 11 it's not been a favorite. There are many different reasons why. What is written below is only one of them.

I waited to post this, because most people either ARE or TRY to be really positive throughout the Christmas season--"Cherry"--I suppose.

Christmas Day this year was yet another reminder of what "isn't"---of how I never thought "it would ever be". I hate that---truly. I can say that since making the firm decision and knowing firmly that the Lord wanted me to seek out an orphan from the other side of the world--I have yet again found the "hope" people speak of during Christmas.

But--until I have "one of my own"--Christmas day is just a reminder of what "isn't"--not what "is". People who try to be "loving" love to remind people like me to "just have faith" and all other types of blah---even to the point of threatening that if "you just had testimony enough you would feel happy on Christmas". It's all a bunch of bunk. I have testimony. I know why we celebrate Christmas. But--I try to remember the purpose of Christmas all throughout the year--not just on or around Christmas. I can feel His Spirit everyday. Remember--He said He'd "lighten" our burdens--not completely take them away. So--on Christmas Day--sometimes it's all I can do to get "through it". I think anyone who is counting down the "last Christmases" of a precious loved one--not knowing how many more she/he have.....would probably feel the same.

P.S. My mother is now not surviving the same cancer my friend's mother died of. Ya--the thestrals continue....

This entry is not meant to be cherry. It won't be "Merry Christmas-sy". It won't be "paint a smile on your face" happy. Just a warning.

A dear, sweet friend of mine recently wrote an absolutely beautiful letter to her mother on her blog. Absolutely beautiful, considering her amazing mother, whom in the very few, short times I got to meet her as a teenager I experienced her amazing spirit, is no longer with us--because of the same disease my mother has survived. And in the Lord's most infinite wisdom, her mother left and crossed the veil right around this time of year. Leaving those behind both blessed, and dare I say, cursed for the rest of their lives.

A most amazing author wrote about a young boy. A young boy who had lost his parents at a year old. A young man who then lived with abusive and neglectful relatives until he entered a wizard's world. But, even in this wizard world, he was still an orphan. Then, he lost a friend--a friend he tried to help save. And, this amazing author wrote about he, and another classmate, who had entered, through the most daunting, blessed, and horrible experience, a special club. They joined a group that eventually, most of us join. Strangely, though---we don't all join at the same time, in the same way, and are also left with the option of denying ourselves from "looking".

The two characters she wrote about joined a small group of young people at their school who could see thestrals. These are strange, mythical creatures, who only can be seen by those who have seen death. Eventually, by the end of this book series, most every youth/young adult who stayed at the school would be able to see thestrals. But, early on, only a very few could.

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, has blessed and cursed me with "early warnings" at times in my life. One, I realize now, came on my 12th birthday. Interestingly, I was telling this story once to my most wonderful hair stylist--who had experienced the same thing when she turned 12. Later, after her parents divorced, and her family experienced other major stressors, just a few short years later, she seemed to understand why (and interestingly, she did not have the same religious beliefs I did).

I sat, mid-way through that birthday, in my room, and sobbed. I sobbed because I was growing up--and seriously, it hurt. I loved my childhood. The Lord blessed me by keeping me joyously naive. My family was incredibly poor. I didn't know...or if I did, was blessed to not care. Although my mother was constantly stressed about money...I, for the most part, was happy to just play and live in "My world"--as my world was a great place. As much as life was not perfect....and as much as I still had sadness and so forth as a little kid--over all--I was quite happy!

And then, I had to turn 12. Some seem to grow up without much pain. My life did not work that way. By the next Christmas (13), I could see thestrals--although most people on the planet never knew that my family had experienced a loss. Life became more than painful. And I was left to choose. Choose to look at the thestrals, accept them--even embrace them. Or choose to run away, sit in denial, and pretend that grief is not real. Some in this life choose this--sometimes even leading to some of those social ills we often see and deal with, especially at this time of year. But, I had to choose.

Later, in college--the same semester that my roommate passed away, I took a Families in Crisis class. We had a special class, where we talked about grief, and how it affected families. My professor said something most wonderfully great. That grief is a physical illness. It has to be dealt with. It has to be worked through. It has to occur. But, we get to choose how to do it. We can deny it--and not look at the thestrals. Or, we can embrace them---find the blessings from knowing they're there--and accept that for the rest of our lives, we will see those thestrals. Or, we can run away.

Why--you may ask, am I discussing this? What a thing to talk about at Christmas? Who wants to think about death at such a time? Well, in my life, death and Christmas, since I was 13, have gone hand in hand. I honestly have come to embrace the reality that Christmas--and winter for that matter, usually sucks. And yet, just as in that amazing book series---the thestrals, in the end, help to save H a r r y and his friends. They become a part of life---and blessings come with them. So, at the same time that Christmas sucks, it also has joys, loves, and winter has lovely days that I look forward to.

Every major loss in my life, and there have been quite a few in my 31 years, have happened between October-February. Literally every one. From losing a sibling a week before Christmas, to my grandmother delivering her last personal Christmas gifts to every grandchild she could by August, before leaving in October of my senior year of high school. From my roommate leaving, crossing the veil weeks before Christmas, to both my grandfather's leaving weeks after Christmas--and within 4 weeks of each other. All of them have happened right around and surrounding Christmas. So much so, that there have been years (usually the first Christmas after the death) that I wished I could fly to Alaska and hide in a cabin until May! For some reason I assumed at 13, after the horrible Christmas that will never go away--when the thestrals appeared--when I was "shopping for shoes" in case my mother 'saw Jesus that night" as her life hung in the balance as well...that this would only occur once. No...I have since learned that the thestrals do not leave.

But, I have to admit, the hardest part about seeing the thestrals, is the exact problem that H a r r y had. Many--if not most--of his friends could not see them--yet. And I'm sure, a few of those who could see them, refused to look, cause somehow they thought it would just be easier to deny that they are there. To deny that life has it's major opposites....and that grief is a part of those opposites.

Why is this the hardest part? Because unless you're in the Seeing Thestrals club--and admit it---those whom can't or won't see them think you're weird. They pass judgement. Those whom drive past me when I'm sobbing at Christmas now, in my car, and don't understand, just probably think there's something wrong with me. It's like right after someone dies, how it feels like everyone expects you to be over it a week later. And that's just when you really begin to even deal with "it"--with grief.

Well, after reading my friend's dear letter--I've decided that perhaps what we need on this planet--at this time of year, especially, is an "I See Thestrals Christmas Club"--especially for those of us who experienced major loss right around Christmas, and refuse to deny our grief from occurring. Perhaps, we need people around us who understand why the same activities that bring smiles to most, can bring stinging tears to us. Why it is that when everyone else is joyfully singing carols, we're trying to just feel good enough to listen to them.

It's interesting because some years have been easier than others. But all Christmases I've experienced since thirteen have been painful in some way. Every one. I don't tell people this so they can feel sorry for me. I mean, honestly, part of me wants to go "dur" to those whom may even be surprised by this (I am single--the pain of loss when there was nothing to lose is especially painful, at times). But, I don't want people's pity--just as my sweet friend didn't want pity. No--mourning with those whom mourn does not mean that. What it means is understanding that you may not understand how I feel. What it means is recognizing that there are thestrals, and many of us who can see them--even if life has not brought them to you yet. That would especially be nice (remember how H a r r y felt when his friends looked at him like he was crazy cause he could see the thestrals and they couldn't?) It means not lecturing people about "seeking the Spirit of Christ" at Christmas....or trying to force people to be all Chrismassy. Mourning means sometimes Christmas just sucks--and what people need are others who know this, and care. It doesn't mean forcing hugs, but instead being brave enough to choose to face the realities--knowing that Christmas my suck, but thestrals bring blessings as well as pain.

Anyway...I'm babbling at this point. I've had so little sleep this week that it's amazing I can even put words together. But, I just wanted to share, at this time of year---that the real blessings of Christmas cannot be forced. They come wonderfully, and bitterfully, when we actually don't just believe, but truly know that Christ came to save us--because we've come to know the thestrals. We've come to know that it is only through His birth AND His death--that our loved one's will someday be resurrected--that the Lord keeps His promises, even if they don't happen in this life. This is the true reality of His birth and His death. Yes--celebrations are great--or they can be. But, I must say that no matter what traditions or celebrations occur or don't occur, grief and pain at Christmas are a part of the season as well. Some of my traditions that help with such pain involve serving others, secretly especially....and loving the "child-like" joys--Santa, Rudolph (that's why he's on my page), and so forth can help ease the pain. But, inevitably (like today--stupid UPS) something will bring me to the reality--(such as majorly overcharging to ship before Christmas--what a crock! $150.00!!! It was $40.00 last year--and gas prices are cheaper....but, I digress)---that I am a member of the "I See Thestrals Christmas Club". I'm grateful now for those thestrals...but must admit, sometimes I'm more grateful that I'm not alone in this club.

More Free Advertising

2011-12-21T01:18:00.000-08:00

So--I'm giving away free advertising again today!!!

Now that my shopping is done--and the grading is *almost* done (the grades are in--now just comes the dozen or so grade changes that will have to occur....long story....)

...I'm giving away some free advertising.

I made the goal this year of trying, if possible, to support some people with great on-line businesses. Gotta love Etsy, and so forth.

Now--a few of them are listed right over there (look down and to your right)--

But--I'm actually going to give credit to a few, whom I got presents from.

First, we'll start with cute little owls!!!

These cute little owls are made by isewlucky! One of my nieces has been "into" owls every since Halloween. So--I took her onto isewlucky's Etsy shop--and she chose an owl I thought she would (pink). She pointed to it and said "I like pink owl". Here's the link to her blog: http://isewlucky.blogger.com

Of course--she had no idea that I was going to purchase the owl for her for Christmas :) Which, I promptly did. Then, it disappeared from the Etsy shop! We'd go back to the site (she would request it), and would say "Where pink owl?" I'm hoping she'll be excited to open it on Christmas!

Next, is a favorite blog and blogger of mine!

http://thompsonfamily.typepad.com/thompson_familylife/

I just love Danielle's kitschey designs throughout her blog! I"m not that "into" 70's stuff (well--I like to pretend I'm not)--but then I'll find something on her blog and go "oh my word--I remember that!" Plus--she likes things from 1950's to the 1970's (approx.)--so her style is pretty darn awesome!

Well--she mentioned these on her blog in about August:

http://thompsonfamily.typepad.com/thompson_familylife/2011/11/last-call-for-happy-mail-kit-printables.html

And I knew I was going to have to order one for another niece!!! She LOVES writing letters!!!

The best part about this kit is that she individualizes it. So--you can choose the "little retro kid" whom looks most like the child you're purchasing it for, you can get it personalized with their names and addresses! It's really awesome!

The other great thing? Although it's not "cheap"--she sends it as a pdf--so once you have it--it's yours to print off as many times as you, and the child, wants!

Well--I tried to find something "homemade" for my nephew--but didn't really find anything I really loved--

SO--I found this instead: http://www.fatbraintoys.com/

This awesome store--on top of this AMAZING toy store in my new city has made shopping this season REALLY fun :)

Oh--I even had to return something to them--and exchange it--and they made it REALLY easy!

This website is of a friend of mine!!! Yep--I actually know her personally :)

http://heidistock.blogspot.com/

I was able to purchase my Christmas cards through her this year. She took pictures I provided, and put them in a design I could choose (through her Etsy shop--you can find the link on her blog. She does birth announcements and so forth as well!)

The best part--it was only $12.00 for the service! Then she e-mailed a pdf--which I could print off as many as I needed! So cool!

Next, I was able to have my awesome cousins' wife do her graphic design "geekery", as she calls it, and design some business and place cards to help advertise about raising money for the orphan I've been raising money for this season!!! She gave me a more than generous price--and did such a great job!!!!

http://gdesigngeek.blogspot.com/

She has great talent--and even though she and her cute little family were sick off and on--she still worked hard to make them for me!

Finally--I found this website while searching for comfortable tights for my picky nieces (especially the little ones--I had to find some with no nylon--but that were cotton and stretchy--but not hot. Oh my--oh--and that were black--I had no idea how hard that would be!)

http://www.comfykid.com/

The price was really good for the tights as well!!! And they came VERY quickly!!! And, the last thing I heard was that the little one did not fight quite so bad about wearing them! Yee haa (we can hope anyway!)

I highly suggest them :)

Overall--I just have to say, that shopping on-line this season was what helped me actually get done! I purchases some things from old stand bys (Amazon.com, half.com, Seagull Book and Tape, and Deseret Book)--but love finding new businesses to have successful purchasing situations with! Oh--and interestingly enough--this year I did not find anything on Ebay. That is probably a first for a very long time!

Well--have a very Merry Christmas--and a Great New Year!

Breathing...

2011-12-20T00:10:00.000-08:00

So--my mom told me today that, yet again, the valley where she lives in UT (Salt Lake Valley) is ENCRUSTED with nasty, horrible, literally chewable air!!!

UGH!!! I HATED that when I lived there. HATED!

Recently I was talking to a wonderful co-worker. She was describing to me how her husband had a respiratory infection. He also has asthma. And how hard it was for her to understand what it is like for him--cause she's never "not been able to breathe".

She admitted to probably not being patient enough with him.

I've been pondering this.

I was diagnosed "officially" with asthma when I was 17.

But--I'd probably had it since I was about 18 months old.

That winter was the first winter that I spent at least January with the "crud".

Which I had basically EVERY January until I moved away from UT.

I used to think it was just cause I was susceptible to germs. Ya--having asthma and living in the horrible, encrusted, practically chewable air of UT that seems to occur especially in December and January DOES NOT HELP!!!

I have learned since diagnosis--and especially since getting lung damage because of an asthma medication that gave me a 2 year infection in the mid-2000's--that there were literally times in my life I should have been in the hospital.

I've spent most of my life fighting to stay away from bronchitis.

I've literally (now) gone to the doctor, thinking I just had a "weird" cough--and left with the diagnosis of atypical pnuemonia (that would have turned into typical pneumonia if I had not caught it so early).

I've had plurisy for years.

So--let me see if I can describe for all of those not in the "know" what it is like to not be able to breathe:

You know those commercials where they talk about asthma--and show the fish out of water--ya--kind of like that.

But--how would you know if you've never experienced it?

I've literally walked into rooms--or outside from warm air to cold--and it's like my bronchial tubes all of a sudden don't know how to work.

Sometimes I have wheezing. Unfortunately, that's typically what people think of as "asthma"--

But ashtma is NOT ALWAYS WHEEZING!!!

Luckily--I was able to see a wonderful asthma/allergy specialist in UT--who taught me some of the symptoms/side effects of asthma that are typically not connected.

Things like high susceptibility to every upper chest respiratory infection known to man.

Getting the hic-ups a lot.

Getting a major side-ache EVERYtime you run, or sprint, or do major physical activities (this is a sign cause the muscles are not getting enough oxygen--thus they cause pain)

Sometimes asthma hurts.

Sometimes ashtma DOES NOT HURT!!!

Sometimes an asthma attack is set off. Typically, mine are connected to illness or allergies--or other things that "set it off" (second hand smoke is a big one)

But sometimes--you can just be walking a long--and you can get one.

Some people can "exercise" through their asthma.

Some cannot (I would typically be one of those).

Remember: asthma is inflamation of the bronchials. NOT the lower lungs--NOT the esophogus. NOT mucus (although mucus makes the inflammation worse if it's already there).

Being oxygen deprived is not fun.Luckily, most of the time--now that I live outside of UT--I don't experience quite as often as I did in UT. The high elevation didn't help (which I did not recognize until after I moved away from it!) It can lead to lowered "brain" functioning (I've experienced this--it's not fun). It can lead to nausea (typically this is when I've been having an asthma attack--coughing a lot--not fun). It can lead to heavy chest, chest pain (typically from coughing too much or very strongly), and lowered problem solving (cause you're more worried about breathing).

It can lead to higher level of fatigue--which is no fun--especially if you're a typically energetic person.

Just going from warm inside air to cold outside air can set it off (which NO ONE ever seems to understand!)

So--what is my point: well, a--that people who don't know what it feels like to not be able to breath--or have not experienced "really bad" asthma (and lung damage like I have)--please don't assume you know what it's like--cause you don't.

b. Breathing is DANG important!!! It's amazing how quick you learn that when you are having problems doing it.

c. Please don't assume you know how to treat asthma--or that there is a way to "cure" it or "work your way out of it". Doing breathing exercises, playing an instrument, and so forth does nothing for asthma. They don't "strengthen" your lungs. When people say this I can totally see that they HAVE NO CONCEPT ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE SAYING!!!! Asthma is all about inflamation--not "strength"!!! Even the strongest muscle in the world can become inflamed, and have problems--need treatement!!!

I've had people tell me crap like "well you should just walk it off". Kay--one of the worst things I can do when I'm having an asthma attack--is increase the amount of oxygen I have to take in!!! "Running" it off does not work.

d. Finally--please recognize that every person who has asthma is an individual, and their "illness" is VERY individual. Mine is more "serious" than most. But--I have other friends who have it worse than me. I also have some whose problems are pretty benign. So, just cause you think it "worked for you"--doesn't mean it will work for others.

And finally--the last thing I want to say--is that breathing is important enough that if you or your child are not breathing well--PLEASE SEEK OUT A GOOD ASTHMA DOCTOR (ALLERGY DOCTOR)--AND SEE THEM OFTEN!!!! AND DO WHAT THEY SAY THE BEST YOU CAN!!!

If there is anything that drives me the most nuts (and yes, I even have family members who fall into this club) are those whom know they have asthma--but live in "denial" land about it--and never get the treatment they truly need--never actually know or feel what it means to have their asthma "under control". It's a beautiful feeling--but "denying" it just cause you want to live in "denial" land is stupid! Asthma is dangerous enough it should not be messed with!

And--having asthma under control--means that you don't have to take your emergency inhaler more than once a week (less than that is better). So those taking it 10 plus times a day DO NOT HAVE THEIR ASTHMA UNDER CONTROL!!! This could be just because their asthma has gotten worse--so I'm not suggesting judging here. But--others just don't seek help. And that drives me a little nutty!

So--take a deep breath--and be thankful you can!

Totally Random...

2011-12-10T21:49:00.001-08:00

So--I noticed some tiny dumb ants crawling on one of my counters this morning.

Was hoping they'd all be dead by now--but no--they're hiding behind my refrigerator (or in it) I'm afraid (not the cold part--but the back warm part).

So--I picked up one of the Tarro Ant bait traps, that was sitting right on the floor, and put it on the cupboard.

This afternoon, I got something out of the cupboard up above it--and when I shut the door I realized that there was this diagonal line of ants crawling to the bait trap--now running the other direction.

Well--I've watched it all night--and the bait is working very very well!!! Too bad it's on the counter--

But hay--it's working :)

Yup--totally random!

Chitty-Chat...

2011-12-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

So--last week I went to my FAVORITE conference ever!!

I LOVE it---so much that last year--afterward--I lived through the worst blizzard experience I'd ever had in my life (and hopefully, ever will) because I was trying to get home from my FAVORITE conference.

Any-who--I heard from some awesome professionals at this conference about getting my writing going--and got some marvelous ideas (professional writing). But one thing they suggested was to do "free writes"--about anything--whether related to your profession or not.

And I realized--I'm already doing that.

So--right now--I'm free writing :)

(Now I just have to work harder on the serious writing).

Otay--so, let's have a little chitty-chat--a chitty chat about debt.

In recent years I've had a lot of experience with this little subject. And oddly enough, in this day and age, I do not believe I'M ALONE :?

Well--hydie ho, I've had some different experiences than some when it comes to this lovely subject.

First of all--the majority of the "large debt" I've accrued I did so with Spiritual permission.

Nope--not kidding--got on my knees (well--more so my hind quarters cause kneeling is not so pleasant....) and pleaded with the higher power--and begged, and pleaded--to not have to. Yup--

And I was told--to DO IT!!!

So--I did. Yup--that was the first time.

So--when the question came up, and I was told "get a master's degree"--I said "Um, but that means I'm going to have to go into debt--cause um, I don't just have $18,000, and um, on a teacher's salary in UT--there's no way I'm going to get that kind of mulah". And I was told--to DO IT!!!!

So--again--I did.

And THEN--the PhD issue came up--and yup--again--the "higher power" and I had some discussions about this issue. This was A LOT of debt. Plus--I had to get a new car--more debt. Plus--I began to see with my masters--and more so with my PhD--that credit card debt was part of the deal as well.

I mean--I'm beginning to realize that, at least for the first couple years it's almost like owning one's own small business, with lots of "revolving" expenses--this "higher ed" gig.

Thus--more debt. Oh--nevermind the medical costs for medications and surgery accrued--cause, I was on student insurance. Or the $4000 to fix a dying car, which I then felt prompted to replace (oh my word--and yes, I had 2 mechanics take me for a ride with all that mulah--I HATE that!!!)

Oh--and then there was the "stint" last year up north--and the message sent VERY quickly and firmly that this was "temporary" and that I was to move.

And more pleading, groveling, begging---but straight talk "This means more debt!!!"

The answer "Just DO IT!"

Whew! So--now that I"ve laid out my financial situation for you--let's talk about the recent 1 grand plus car fix as of late.

OH MY WORD!!

Now--I'm sure there are some of you out there thinking just what some (especially LDS) people would think--"This is why we do not go into debt".

Mmmmmm---I've pondered this for a good long time.

No--debt is not fun. But then--paying bills of any type is not really that "fun".

And truly--aren't we always in debt--to someone?

I mean--whether you're renting or buying a home--you use it--and then pay for it. i.e. debt.

Or heat, water, sewer, etc. Use it--pay for it.

And let's not even talk about the Spiritual debt each of us owe.

I know--debt is scary--but living is scary.

And you know--I have to say this: Embracing the 'scary" of debt over the last half decade has afforded me more LIVING than I ever would have done, sitting in UT, scared of going into debt.

Oddly enough--even though I know we (LDS) always hear how debt ties us down--this debt has also "freed" me.

I know--that sounds weird. Part of it is that most of the debt was accrued either to pay directly for, or to support me in obtaining higher education. Which was "freeing".

Part of it was realizing that if I do what the Lord says, even if it seems "unwise"--the Lord will take care of me (Boy--I'm learning that this week).

Part of it was biting the bullet and saying "do you want to live NOW--while you're breathing--or regret forever--even when you're not". I'd rather live now, thanks.

And interestingly enough--the Lord has taught me a thing or two.

First of all, that going into debt is NOT--I repeat, NOT a sin.

Stealing is a sin (thus, not honestly working to pay off your debt could be considered a sin)--but going into debt is not.

And that those whom treat others poorly (I can probably be guilty of that I'm sure) for having debt--need to "chill out".

Further, sometimes the lesson of getting out of debt is important to learn. It takes work--little by little, to get things to pay off, and grow (sounds almost like that "law of the harvest" thing.

And, oddly enough--with this latest crisis--the Lord has taught me that people--a lot of people are GOOD. That it truly is as good to give as it is to RECEIVE (and I've had to humble myself this week and do some Receiving from VERY generous people. I've never experienced such generousity personally before. Brings tears to my eyes).

And--interestingly enough--the Lord just recently gave me an answer--to switch around how I've been trying to pay things off (even from how typically the Church leaders suggest) and do it differently--cause I can get out of a few payments faster this way.

So--what' is my point of this chitty-chat?

I don't know. Just that you never know how the Lord will work things. And sometimes we learn the most by stepping into the invisible "unknown" with faith. Even if it means stepping into debt. :)

Doctor, Doctor....

2011-11-29T22:35:00.000-08:00

So--doctors....

Yup--that sums it all up. Funny thing is--I am one!

But--I'm a doctor of education---

Not a medical doctor.

I HATE doctor shopping--finding a new doctor.

I found one recently--had to get in. Her office is close to work. They got me in within 2 days.

But, MY WORD--she's pushy!!!!

And I'm annoyed. When I tell a doctor, nurse, and the phlibotomus (sp?) that I JUST ate--and they do a blood test--

And my results are actually NORMAL--but a "little off"--

But NORMAL--cause I JUST ATE--and I told them that like 5 times.....

And then I get all these doctor's "lecture"--and wanting to see me back in a couple months--what--for NORMAL results....

I really just want to find a new doctor.

I mean--I check my blood sugar a couple times a month (it's always been normal)--Why?

So I can tell off the doctor's who start lecturing!!!

They NEVER find out my medical history---

Or what or why I do what I do.

Most just "assume"--run in, run out--do not listen--and then JUDGE!!!!

Yup--you're right!!! I don't weigh "nothing"--I NEVER have!!!

But--did you ever think to ask me about my "eating disorder" history--and that perhaps I avoid scales FOR A REASON????? Perhaps I DON'T COUNT CALORIES FOR A REASON?????

Is it frustating? Sometimes--but it's life.

Did she ever think to ask me about my feet, that desperately need surgery--but which I CANNOT AFFORD--NOR HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HAVE TIME TO DO SO CAUSE "LIFE" HAS TAKEN OVER????

And the permanent shin splints and other issues--which mean that I USED to be able to do aerobics--and now all I basically can do is walk and Yoga???

Ya--and they NEVER consider all the medications I'm on--how I've purposely chosen to go on them, and stay on them cause weight gain with them is "slower"--doesn't mean it doesn't happen--it's just not as extreme as other options. Yup--and how I PAY OUT OF THE NOSE TO STAY ON THEM CAUSE THE INSURANCE COMPANIES DON'T LIKE TO COVER THEM COMPLETELY????

Yup--the NEVER ask those things. They just assume the minute they see me that I'm "lazy" (ya--WHATEVER!!!), or eat a million calories a day.

But ya--I did actually eat lunch that day--less than 1 hour before. Thus, my levels of everything were "normal"--for someone WHO HAD JUST EATEN!!!!

Yup--still on the look out for a new doctor. Wish I could find one who just doesn't lecture--but actually LISTENS--and does not ASSUME the minute they see me that a large chested curvy woman is not just what they ASSUME and JUDGE her to be!!!!

P.S. I think the next Dr. I go to I'm going to use my new title--cause somehow they get impressed and shut up a little when I tell them my name started with "Dr."!!!

Thankful

2011-11-24T22:12:00.000-08:00

I am very thankful for many things. Thanksgiving typically helps remind me of such things. But--the last 2 weeks have had some "drama"--which honestly has left me with a not so thankful time lately. It happens....

But--I thought I would write a little list to celebrate this--one of my most favorite holidays:

1. I'm grateful for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It's a favorite of mine!! I've never been able to have a Thanksgiving without it--nor do I want to in the future. It's a little different the last couple years watching it life streaming on-line. But--I still enjoy it!

2. I'm grateful to have grown up in a Ward with loving, supportive people--and who continue to be!

3. I'm grateful for my family--even when they're drama!

4. I'm SO grateful for the help I got last year Spiritually to deal with all the changes that needed to occur!

5. I'm SO grateful for a new opportunity (job), wonderful people to work with, and just, wonderful in general!

6. I'm VERY grateful for a new place to live--which "feels like home"!!!

7. I'm VERY grateful for new "home"--with a washing machine that doesn't stink--and carpet to go with!

8. I'm grateful for things that keep working, and working--truly blessings from above!

9. I'm grateful to be moving closer to my goal of adopting!

10. I'm grateful for nieces and nephews who love me even though their "pre-Christmas" presents were clothes (oh--the tears! The toys will come later guys!!!) And for their snuggles and hugs!

11. I'm very grateful for a testimony in the Lord--and for being guided by the Spirit, even when other people don't "get" it--or question me. Even when people's reactions to doing what the Spirit says to do are not positive. I'm still grateful to do what the Lord and the Spirit says to do--and just try to remind myself of Joseph and Emma--who followed the spirit even when some of their own family members (Emma more than Joseph) told them they were crazy and wrong!

There are thousands of other things I'm so grateful for!!! I could go on and on and on! But--those are my top 11 tonight!

Why...

2011-11-22T19:18:00.000-08:00

It's very odd in this world. We often ask the question "why?".

Like 5 year olds exploring their new universe--we ask the universe "why?".

What is odder still--is sometimes knowing--at least in part--"why?"

Why is my mother dying--for example.

Most would say "well--you can't know why." Or "It's just the Lord's time".

But--there are a few things I know--or at least know in part.

For example--this is not the first time my mother has "almost" died. Ya--that's been "going on" since I was 13.

Obviously it wasn't her time then---but I can tell you this.

Because of employers---and insurance companies--who would rather save a buck than ensure patient's safety--and create completely insane policies to line their pockets--while allowing permanent damage to occur to people like my mother.

Yep--that would be one of the reasons "why" my mom is dying--at least in part.

Further--because of doctors. Doctors who don't do full research--who believe one lousy research study--and follow supposed "protocols" while ignoring past drug success--and take people, like my mother, off of medications that are working to stave off a new "attack" of cancer. Oh--and let's not forget the doctor who did not refer my mother to a specialist when I was 13--leading to my mother almost dying--oh, and the doctor treating her now, who NEVER asked why she was limping--nor pried, nor paid attention!!!

Yep--that would be one of the reasons "why" my mom is dying--at least in part.

And further--because of this "Mormon" martyr ideal--this ideal out there that it is better to put one's life on the line than go into debt--even medical debt. Because of the corporations (including corporate church), and banks, and so on and so forth. Because of every last time it's been banged in my parent's heads that they should do 'everything possible" to avoid debt--my mom is dying!

And even further--because of the refusal to pay attention to one's own body--and do what it says. Because of the refusal to get help, when one needs to. Because of the absolute fear of financial problems--the denial of medical problems. Yep--ALL of these are WHY my mother is dying.

Some people would look at my list here and say "well--of course you want to find something or someone to blame". Or--"well--anger is normal"---

To them I say--you have NO idea what it is like to KNOW--to KNOW the why!!!

Sometimes (and yes, I've had 2 grandparents who have died from cancer)--it is honestly easier to not know the "whys"!!! Then you can just, with faith, say "cause it was their time to go."

But no--it's much harder to know why--and to know that if people had cared more, had paid more attention, had put people first before policies and lining their own pocket--and even if my own mother had put her health before her fears---

That likely my mother would not be dying now. That likely she would not be on chemo again--that likely the cancer would not have spread as badly in the first place.

That likely--the outcome would have been better.

Ya--sometimes it's nicer to not know the "why"s!!!

Can't Miss...

2011-11-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

What you've never had.

It's interesting--I've seen times in life when this is somewhat true.

Now, granted--before I was 15--before my family had a VCR--yes--I "wanted" a VCR.

So--yes--we can certainly COVET what we don't have.

But--what I've learned is that coveting or "wanting" is different than missing.

I think we've all experienced wanting things we don't have, wanting experiences we've never experienced, and desiring what someone else has--cause we don't have it.

BUT--I've learned this--that often we don't realize --as in we don't "miss" what we don't have--until after we've had it.

Last year, around this time of year (actually--I think it was closer to Christmas, cause I was gone from "up north" where I was living)....

I checked my phone--and saw that I had a message. So, I listened to it.

I was 10 plus hours away--so there was really nothing I could do.

But--a friend "up north" asked me if there was any way that I could sit with a woman who was newly separated--getting a divorce.

She was feeling lonely.

Unfortunately--I really couldn't do anything--so I let the friend know.

But--I realized that--although I could be compassionate--I may not have been the right person to do this.

See--I've never been married. Sure--I've wanted to be married--I've coveted other people being married, and certainly I know how it feels to be lonely (although, much to the confusion of MANY especially LDS people--just because I live by myself does not typically mean that I feel lonely. And even married people can feel and be lonely in the same room with their spouse)---

But--I do not know how it feels to have a spouse--and then not have a spouse. I suppose I can "imagine"--but there are quite a few components of this I don't know that I'll ever understand.

Earlier this week someone caring told me that I "am not the typical LDS woman". I laughed.

As anyone who reads this blog regularly should know--the "life path" I'm on is definitely not where I "imagined" myself at 14--or 20--or 26 for that matter (although by 26 the "dream" had definitely been evolving).

I always expected to be the "typical" LDS woman. Don't know that I ever have been--nor was ever meant to be.

But--it makes me laugh cause of the stereotypes reinforced by such a comment--as well as the reality of how many LDS women are not "typical"--and even those of my friends who are--many are not "typical"--cause I know them.

But--still--I have learned a few things over the years. And I do think these things make me different. Here are a few:

--I can do A LOT. I've built furniture, hooked up appliances, fixed cars, or coordinated the fixing of cars, earned money, watched the hard earned money go out the door in bills, worked what feels like 24-7, and so forth. And this was BEFORE I moved out of my parent's home to get a Ph.D.!!!!

--Now--this does not mean I LOVE doing everything--I don't. Thus--I've had to find ways to "do it". Sometimes it means earning more money--working more than one job. Begging for help--etc. Sometimes it means going without--or understanding that the dirt doesn't move. If the house is dirty--it stays dirty. It will wait for you.

--I do not "need a man" to be happy. In fact, my personal life experience has been the opposite of that statement (as in I've found in the past that life was happier without certain men). Would I love a supporting, loving husband? Sure!!! Who wouldn't. But--not all men are that. And not all women are either. So--there u go!

--I think one of the biggest things that may make me different than SOME LDS women is that I have not waited for a "man" to have a life. There are actually many LDS women like me. But--I know I've had more than one woman and man comment to me about that. But a) this had never been my reality; b)I don't think I'm that patient to obtain some of my dreams; and c) I've learned through out this that the Lord will help me, and protect me--whether I'm married or single. So--really--I don't know what it would feel like to have "waited". It's never been what needed to occur in my life.

Anyway--I feel like I'm babbling. But-- I guess my point is--that the phone call I wrote about earlier opened up my eyes a little bit. I've never lived in a world where I would understand what it would feel like to have a spouse, than not have a spouse. I don't miss it--cause I've never had it. I see this as a blessing for me. Not so sure that others see it as a blessing--but likely that's cause they've "had" what I haven't.

Interesting thoughts I ponder in the middle of the night, aye? Good night!

Music

2011-11-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

I so want to vent right now. A very famous person whose name starts with an "O" once said "you teach people how to treat you." I believe this is true and not true at the same time.

But--rather then venting vaguely tonight like I typically do--I'm going to blog about music.

Di you know that the Lord--or the Spirit--communicates to me sometimes via music?

Now--many know that a good song, hymn, etc can give you chills, bring in the Spirit, etc.

But I mean--there are times in my life when literally I've received answers to prayers via songs.

Music is more important to me than even I've recognized before. Did you know that when I was initially dealing with depression, I stopped singing. I would drive home from work--turn on the radio--and not sing. I originally didn't notice. I often have songs (happy songs, hymns, annoying songs that never leave my head) running through my mind. When I was dealing with that time period in life, there were no songs in my head. I remember after starting treatment--that once I hit about the 4-6 week point I started to notice that I had not been listening to music! I all of a sudden had music in my mind again--on a regular basis. I had not even realized it wasn't there--until after I started treatment. Since then I've noticed more and more how my mental and physical health can be measured based on that truth.

I've also noticed that sometimes the right song just seems to be "sent" at the right time to me. I do give the credit for the music being sent at just the right time to the Lord.

Oh--and yes--I've dedicated songs to the young men I've had to, um, deal with in life. Typically there was a positive song to start off with. And a negative song in the end.

I won't give examples of those.

But--here's a couple examples of songs that have been answers or just come at the right time. What I find interesting is that often the song is not a hymn or "Church" song. Instead a song just from "everyday".

When I was trying to balance getting a PhD, 2-3 jobs, and helping my sister's family this song was always VERY comforting:

http://youtu.be/lydBPm2KRaU

Even though this song is by an LDS singer--and is about divorce--this song has answered more than one prayer. It's actually a theme for my future adoption. I love the message--that the Lord knows the "why"--and will solve the problems we can't solve here. He will tend all the thousands of broken branches we make in this world--and our love (my future kiddos) will be a circle--even if I can't explain how the Lord will "bridge the gaps between all things we can't explain". I also love how she turns it to all of us in the end--that we are all part of the Lord's "Family Tree"!!!

http://youtu.be/XkaKQK00-I0

This song has a particularly significant message to me. As I returned to "tundra land" last year, after receiving the surprising answer that the Lord wanted me to "move"-literally as I drove through a frozen tundra--I laid out for the Lord every last problem--every last issue, every last reason why "this" was bad timing, a bad idea, and so forth. I tried to give it to the Lord--I desperately pleaded that somehow he would make the miracle occur which I knew was going to have to occur (which has occurred). Nothing "made sense" to me. It was not my first, nor my last desperate plea, nor my lowest moment (although it was pretty close). I had heard this song numerous times over the first semester of last year. It always brought me comfort. But--literally as I was driving over the "bluff"--this song came in--right as I completed my plea. I knew immediately that it was my answer--that this was "temporary". I recognized that the Lord had been telling me this all along--but that I had been trying so hard to "make it work"--that I wasn't "hearing" the song.

Here's the most interesting part. I heard this song a couple more times before I moved. I basically have not heard it since. Tonight (and I'm choosing to hear it--it's not coming on the radio randomly like it did last year)is the first time I've heard it since moving "south". I find that personally not a "circumstance".

Perhaps I haven't heard it as much since because I haven't needed it as much--and perhaps it is because now the last part is the harder part--while dealing with my mom's terminal cancer. I love the message--but not the "temporary" part right now.

http://youtu.be/LraOiHUltak

A couple weeks ago--in a desperate day--I went for a drive. It was a beautiful drive--right as fall was starting. I prayed and prayed. I needed comfort. I put in a new album I'd had for weeks--but had not listened to yet. An album by my favorite country artist. I heard the first verse and started to weep. This song still brings me the exact comfort I need. You cannot tell me it's not inspired--and that the Lord did not "plan" that. I know He did.

http://youtu.be/sqI-QUheGKs

And then--there was last night. My answers last night were different. heck--yesterday was different. Not really though. I've had to play this "role" before. It sucks--but such is life. But--as "O" said-sometimes people teach us how to treat them. If they didn't want me to play the role--they'd change. It sucks for me--but I refuse to stand by and "just watch" mistreatment occur. That is if there is anything I can do...ya--it sucks!

So--these were the 2 songs from last night. Not really funny--but true! And oddly comforting last night.

http://youtu.be/1M7pCS6Jpho

My favorite part is: "behind every woman scorned, is a man who made her that way". I know she is talking about cheating--but , in general, it's true. Typically if you find a pretty "damaged" woman--you can almost always find a man who was the one who "made her that way". Pretty sad, really!

And this one--ya--I love having to be "mean"--because the other person was worse. It sucks--and I have to take the "blame"--but this song did make me feel a little better. Especially the "someday I'll be living in a big old city, and all you're ever going to be is mean"--oh--and the "the cycle ends right now". Ya--I hate sending the "cycle ends" message--but it seems to be the "lot" in my life!

Oddly comforting...

http://youtu.be/jYa1eI1hpDE

It's really hard to watch "mean" people turn themselves into lonely, narcisistic people. Such is my "curse".

So--sorry to end on a soury note. But my heart is hurting too much today to not do so. I'm grateful the Lord can get through to me via music--even when nothing else is "getting through".

Happy (I hope) listening!

Free Advertising

2011-11-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

So--I've found some items recently that are awesome!!! And although I'd love to get paid for advertising (so I can add it to the adoption grant for Denny especially)--I'm providing free advertising today!

Here is the first:

I LOVE this product. Next to the automatic shower cleaner--this is one of the great things Scrubbing Bubbles has made!!! Plus--it needs no batteries!!! 2 sprays a day, and you have a clean toilet (at least on the inside) for SO much longer!!! So worth the money, in my book!

When I was moving into my new city this summer--I noticed that this was under construction. Oh yum!!! Ya--it's a buffet--but still!!! I've already been 3 times (have to wait to afford it most of the time)--but it's so nice to go. People are usually friendly--and it's just nice to be able to go somewhere that you know you're going to get food that tastes good, and to have a choice of what you want. The new chocolate dipping fountains are really cool too!

If you asked me 2 places or things I missed the most up north--it would probably have been being close to a Chick-fil-A and a Big Lots!!! Now I'm close to both!!! And, a friend of mine blogged about this truly holy yummy shake about a week ago! Oh My, YUM!!! Just the right amount of peppermint, with peppermint candy mixed in AND just the right amount of chocolate!!! I had one this weekend--it was SO good!!! To all of you not close to a Chick-fil-A--I feel sorry for you!!! And for those of you near one, go get one of these shakes!!!

I'd also like to say, yes, I've finally jumped on the Picassa band wagon. Yes, I'm a couple years late! But--I finally downloaded it--and LOVE it. I like Piknic--which is online--but Picassa offers so much more with a free download on your computer!

Awesome!!

Okay--so soon I'll have some advertisements from some of my favorite crafting blogs (that I've purchased most especially for Christmas)--but there's some free advertisement for you for now! Enjoy!

People....

2011-11-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

Did you know, that when I was around 2 my grandmother caught me playing with dolls, and crying "at" them.

Yep--"at" them. She watched me for a few minutes, and realized that I was very frustrated with them....because those dolls (who were typically representative of people in my imaginative brain) were NOT behaving. They were frustrating me, because they were not "getting" "it"--whatever the heck "it" was.

Fast forward 30 some-odd years later. And sometimes I have week like I have this week.

It sounds mean--judgemental--perhaps even self-righteous of me.

But on weeks like this most of what my mom hears when I call her is "what year is it again?" and "Why are we (meaning the overall "we" on this planet or in this nation) still dealing with this stupidity? With this mis-information?

And WHY are there those whom are supposed to be more "highly" educated still passing on misinformation and poor examples?

This is especially true within my "profession" and passion of educating adolescents with disabilities, and educating their future teachers. AND educating the greater public as a whole about the true potential of people!

I have high expectations. I have seen "best practices" in life, in school, in Church, happen. And I expect others to "be" there--or at least be "getting" there as quickly as possible.

Instead, as is typical with most major "social" changes, change happens sometimes as slow as paint drying!

I've been told before that it's good that I am impatient. That those like me who work in this field, and have this passion, need a certain amount of impatience.

But--on weeks like this....I find it hard to not roll my eyes at people, tell people to wise up, and bluntly say "What year is it again? Why should this be taking so long?"

And--I have to add--that this is especially true in my Church. I grew up seeing the "ideal". Not that my "home" Ward was anywhere near perfect. Believe me....it was not. BUT...I saw children with significant disabilities fully included at Church and as much as possible in the neighborhood since I was in nursery (yes--starting in the 70's!!!) I started volunteering in a full inclusive preschool when I was 11!!! In the 80's people!!! So, when "professionals" (yes--I'm using that term lightly) tell me that things like full inclusion and things like Person First Language are "new"--I bluntly say back "only if 20-30 years is new!" --and again--I say "What year is it?"

I still stand by by believe/testimony: that the Church I belong to should be a leader in this area (fully including people with disabilities) in their home wards and branches--we should be "beyond" the "learning curve"--not behind it.

P.S. Did you also know, that when I was around 2 years old, I used to go outside and work and work how to swing on a swing outside (it was like a glider swing--not a swing swing). I would fall on my bottom over and over again. Sometimes the glider would smack me in the head. I would be crying and crying. But I'd get up over and over again, and try over and over again, until I figured out how to swing on it--and "got "it" done".

Yea--that little girl grew up. And didn't lose that determination. Believe me--just ask my mom! Should I say watch out world???

Beware of the vent coming on....

2011-10-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

Okay--

You know what? I'm tired of it--really I am.

Ya--I do not agree with the "rich" protesters (although, not all of them are "rich" I'm sure) complaining that the government is not helping them out enough.

But, I'm also REALLY tired of those supposed "55%'s" or 53%'s or whatever the heck they call themselves.

When did it become okay to ASSUME that because you were LUCKY and privileged enough to grow up (for the most part) caucasian, somewhere in the middle class (usually), and supposedly "self-sufficient" (which really--NO ONE is truly self-sufficient--even from the government--cause even if you live in a mountain somewhere "off" the grid--you would not be able to live there unless EVERYONE else was living far away from you "on" the grid!!!), that they can feel empowered to try to rub other's noses in their smuggness?

I'm sure they don't mean to do this--but this is when I get annoyed.

Yes--I agree--that if you grew up privileged, and with parents who had a lot of money that you have no right to whine. But, I also agree, that if you grew up of a certain race, privileged, with food on the table, a parent who could stay home, 2 parents who worked so your family could be at the "middle class", and even at least 1 parent with some college in their back-pocket--you have no right to assume you understand what others are going through!

Assuming, for example, that because you were awarded scholarship after scholarship at the college of your choice--means that if "others only work hard and long enough, and apply, they'll get scholarships too" is ludicrious! I attended a college with a huge amount of other very good students--with very little extra funding for scholarships (or donated funding). I applied every year for scholarships. I don't think I was ever awarded ONE!!!

Assuming that, for example, because you or your parents "worked hard" that other people receiving financial assistance of any type from the government, have not, or are not working hard--is again--a bunch of bull!!!

I have met MANY people--working hard at more than one low paying job (including both my parents) to keep food on the table (my parents even prioritized to the point where basically they kept food on the table--we didn't even really have appropriate clothing--but we had food). And yet, many of these families have depended upon WIC, or Food Stamps, or heaven forbid, TANF, or SSDI---when they have needed it. Does this make them "weak"? NO--if anything--it can make them stronger!

Here's the reality I see: perhaps we should change the word from "self-sufficiency" to "monitored dependency". You see--we're all truly dependent upon each other. I mean--would home-schooling children grow up to be successful--if they were surrounded by neighbors and co-workers whom had no education at all? Likely not. Our success is dependent upon others successes. I had a house to grow up in, tuition paid (and schooling subsidized), and further higher education provided, in part or whole, because of tax payers. I've also always been a tax payer. But, I've worked with and known well far too many people in far too many circumstances to say "my experiences should be the same as yours--and if they're not--YOU did something wrong". No--instead I think "hey--if I can serve my community and help others--perhaps I can help make the world a little better for someone. And maybe, just maybe, their life can become a little better--and they can help other's lives improve as well."

(P.S. I just want to commend a friend of mine, BTW. She wrote an awesome blog entry recently about her college experience, and how it was exactly what she needed. But--she recognized, that even thought she attended a religious private college, even HER education was subsidized by member's tithing in the Church. And, she discussed how she worked hard to ensure that this investment in her future was not wasted. I was highly impressed with her blog!!!)

A Teacher Worth Remembering...

2011-10-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

This last week one of my favorite teachers passed away.

I have not seen her since 2nd grade. But, as my mother and siblings would put it, we were 2 peas in a pod.

It is amazing the ironies between her life an mine that have amazed me over the last couple weeks.

For example, her birthday is the day after mine (a different year, of course).

She adopted 2 girls as a LDS faithful single woman! This made my heart sing!

She introduced me to so many amazing authors and books! She promoted me writing. She carefully cared for my 2nd grade heart.

She was truly an amazing teacher worth remembering! And--her influence is truly amazing. I just think of how many lives she touched--because she touched mine. It is truly a wonderful heritage!

Thank you Ms. Butterfield. You are truly loved!

Here is her obituary!

Janean Butterfield
July 22, 1944 ~ October 15, 2011
Hometown: Sandy, UT

Janean Butterfield
1944 – 2011

Our Beloved Mother, Grandmother and Friend Janean Butterfield returned home to Heavenly Father on Saturday, October 15, 2011.

Janean was born July 22, 1944 to Elias C. and Maxine Sargent Butterfield and shared her birth with her twin sister Janeal.

Janean was born and raised in Riverton Utah. She attended Riverton Elementary, West Jordan Jr. High and Bingham High School. She graduated from BYU in Education and earned her Masters Degree from Westminster College.

Janean was a hard worker and self supporter. Early in her life she worked at the Salt Lake Genealogical Society. She was a Master Teacher in Jordan School District for 31 years. She went the extra mile and tutored many students and is remembered and loved by hundreds if not thousands.

Janean loved her two daughters, Lexie and Kenzie and lived to see the birth of her first granddaughter born hours before her passing.
Janean was a friend to all and was loved by all who knew her. She was an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and was privileged to receive her Temple Blessings in the Jordan River Temple. She served in the auxiliary organizations of the Church and was a faithful Visiting Teacher.

Janean was an accomplished pianist.

Janean loved to shop and especially enjoyed getting a bargain.

She was preceded in death by her parents. Janean is survived by her children Alexis Catherine Butterfield (Dylan Bailey), and McKenzie Maxine (Jeremy) Lane and granddaughter Lily Persephone Lane. She is also survived by her siblings Brent E. Butterfield (Carolyn), Roger C. Butterfield (Sue), twin sister Janeal B. Wells (Kent), Veda Burgoyne (Mike), Craig S. Butterfield (Becky), Rhonda Rindlisbach (Kim) and many nieces and nephews who loved her.

We express Thanks to those who lovingly cared for our Mother, Grandmother and Sister during her life long trial with Heart Disease which she endured to the end with faith and courage.

Funeral services will be held Tuesday October 18, at 12 noon in the Crescent Park 3rd Ward, 11250 South 1300 East Sandy, Utah.

A Viewing will be held Monday from 6-8 pm at the Broomhead Funeral Home, 12600 South 2200 West, Riverton, Utah and at the church Tuesday morning at 10:45 a.m.

Interment in the Riverton City Cemetery.

Randomness: Minus 1 fingernail, 1 larger hole in my fender....

2011-10-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

This week has been randomly annoying.

Perhaps it's cause everyone around me (including me) is impatiently waiting for this day to be over so the 'break" can begin.

Ya--that's what I bet too.

So here's some randomness for you:

About 2 weeks ago I lost a thumbnail. I have that horrible habit of biting my fingernails. I'm MUCH better than I used to be (helped to get a dissertation done, and move down south...)

But--I still do bite them on occasion--especially on days/weeks like today/week. BUT--I do not bite my thumb nails.

Thumb nails are VERY useful--especially in this day and age. Have you ever notices all that we do with our fingers/hands, and even our nails? Just try typing on a computer without a couple fingers. What a pain (especially if you know how to type). Try texting without nails, if you have them. ARG! Thus, The last couple weeks I've felt like I'm missing a strange, and very small limb! If someone could just figure out a way to stop your natural nails from breaking!

Today I wanted to go to Chick-fil-A after my marathon shopping trip for something for one of my classes (and a couple other things). I pulled the very crazy left turn, drove down to the "Chick"--and then proceeded to see an hour long line at the drive through! I really needed to get to work before 3:00 p.m.--so I had to change my plans--turn around 3 times, finally ended up at the Subway across from my work :(

Then--the Spirit used this lovely experience as a lesson to me. I had to agree to something today--that in all honesty--I'm not too happy about. It is a step in the right direction--but it's like taking a step on a circular stairway. You start out going up, and up, and up--but you have to stop on those 1 steps. The ones that curve more than others. And sometimes, you have to "hang out" there for a while until you get up to the next step. The lesson I was taught was that you don't always get what you want for lunch everyday....sometimes you just have to fill the hunger--even if it's not on the "step" you want to be on right this second. Does that make sense? Nope? Well--let's just say it's teaching me patience--that I have to go step by step--that, I hope, will eventually lead to exactly what I want. I hope!

So right now, it seems like lots of ick going on in people's lives. My 2nd grade teacher (a favorite) just died. I'm not "mourning"--as in crying. But--once I read her obituary, and a little more about her life, I now see, yet again, the ironies in my life. How connected the 2 of us were (we were 2 peas in a pod--just ask my mom). She has become, in 2 days, not just my favorite 2nd grade teacher, but my example of a woman I'd like to be like. How touchingly beautiful. Just wish I didn't have to figure this all out after she was gone from this earth. Did you know, her birthday is the day after mine. I mean--ironies--seriously!

But some other ick--it's weird being a "blogger"--cause I connect with other's stories. Like the momma who has 2 almost "twins" with DS. I connected to their blog cause they're LDS and just adopted one of the twins from another country. She is now (miracle) really expecting twins! But--they have twin to twin transfer. So, this already incredibly fast moving year of miracles is yet again, filled with the need of one more! Praying.

Or another momma blog I read. She lost her little one with DS suddenly about 2 years ago. It's been incredibly difficult. And she just announced that she and her family just lost her only son, and their house to a fire! Oh my! I have no words. It's moments like these where I look up at the heavens and go "huh? HELP!"

Anyway--do I have a point? No. Not really. It's just a big mix of feelings, pain, annoyance, and gratefulness right now? Ever feel that way?

P.S. The larger hole in my fender came from a coyote getting hit at the exact same spot as a raccoon did about 2 years ago. Broke out a bigger hole. Oh, what to do now? Get a new fender, and hope and pray something bigger doesn't dive in front of my car while I"m going 70 miles an hour?

P.P.S. There are a lot of people with Mustangs in my new town! Do you know how much I like Mustangs? I got to rent/drive one once. I've been in love ever since!!! Too bad they cost so much, and make your car insurance go up so much! Who knew I'd ever be a "sports car" woman!

Okay--enjoy the rest of your random day. I'm sure I will!

Eye Floaties

2011-10-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

So....

The last week has been quite emotionally intense. More than intense, really.

And I'm a little tired. Luckily--things are looking better---well--relatively--for my mom. So praying and praying...

But--here's a totally random topic to discuss today.

Did you know that we can develop eye floaties?

Yup--we can.

And I know this--cause I HAVE ONE!!! And yes--it's a little annoying.

I have good vision (other than dry eyes because of medications I'm on plus way too much time in front of this here computer).

So--once I started having this weird floatie dark think in one eye--I kind of freaked out a little.

But--one night, while I was living "up north"....I literally looked up "eye float" on Google.

And guess what--this is NORMAL. Like a huge amount of us (as in humans) get these--especially once we hit our thirties.

Kay--like, had no idea! I can't really remember how they develop. But they typically disappear over time (mine has not yet).

You should get them checked out by an eye doctor, just in case.

But really....the things I've learned about over the years about the human body (mainly cause I experience them) that no body tells us, are actually "typical" problems.

Wow!

Otherwise---I'm beginning to accept the reality that fall is here. The leaves are changing here "in the south". But, it's still pretty warm during the day. In fact, last week was REALLY warm.

I'm thoroughly enjoying it--and of course, am maintaining my annual goal of wearing capris as long as possible (my goal is to make it to November this year!!).

Yes--my logical brain sometimes walks outside, and expects cold--but instead "cool" is what we're dealing with. But, my "emotional brain" responds with JOY!!!

I love how slow fall is coming on. It usually does this in KS too, even though fall comes slightly earlier. I LOVE THAT!!!

I hated that last year--that basically by the end of September, fall was over. It's like that in UT (notice--it's already SNOWED there!!!) I'm good with slow season changes, thank you!!!

But--yes--the desire for "holiday" celebration is slowly growing. I had my nieces and nephew help me decorate for Halloween while they were visiting last week (that was REALLY fun).

And--yes, strangely enough--I've started watching my annual "It's a Wonderful Life" marathon. For some reason, at this time of year, especially when "the other shoe drops"--which it kind of did some last week---that movie brings me comfort. So--hey--whatever works!!!

Have a loverly!

Don't be funny...Don't be cute....

2011-10-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

Cause I just can't handle it right now.

I'm breaking my rule about blogging...doing it when I usually don't.

I want to ask for prayers for my mom...she has to go on chemo again.

But--I also want/need to vent. Parents can be frustrating, as pathetic and selfish as that may sound right now.

I vent on here...my whine and cheese blog.

I admit, last year, when I couldn't vent on it--I found it truly frustrating.

There are 2 people who truly, truly completely know me. My mom....and Jesus.

And unfortunately, only 1 of them is regularly on the planet...so much so that I can call her.

But I hate this. I hate that she puts off calls to her doctor to advocate for her needs. I hate that she--for more than 20 years now, does not seem to grasp how her apathy is so selfish...so mind boggling. That it does not exemplify faith to us that her initial response is anxiety and apathy...rather than anxiety and action.

Who gives a flying fart in space if you have to go into medical debt? The Lord has always taken care of them before...he'll continue to do so now.

Who cares if it means you have to face something hard. She goes on and on how her whole life has been facing hard things. So why put them off, when you're endangering you life by doing so?

Do you really care that little about your children and husband? Cause that is what is communicated to us.

And also...the last thing I can handle today is people telling me how selfish I am. Most of these people have no idea what it's like to have grown up with a parent who has been perpetually ill. Most have no idea what it is like to have a parent who has nearly died more than once. And I can promise that most have no idea what it is like to see a parent struggle with apathy and pride--rather than demanding help...now.

The Mormon mother martyr attitude drives me nuts. And most people do not grasp this at all.

So....today, of all days....please don't say anything funny or cute. Please don't patronize me with "sympathy". And please don't tell me how selfish I am.

Because if the only person who truly, truly knew and understood you was dealing with terminal cancer.....you would likely sound as fed up and selfish as I do too.

Thanks for the vent!

Random

2011-09-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

Here's some Random for you:

Mucinex is a beautiful thing!!! Took it a half hour ago--and it's already working. Beautiful!!!

Kay--forgive me readers--but Mormons (especially Mormon women) are SO predictable!!! Do you think Des Book is rushing their order of ANYTHING with forget-me-nots on it? I do! Seriously people! I liked his talk too---but do people really need to make a profit off of our general authority's talk??? BUGS ME!!!!

Crashed on the couch last night....woke up in the same position. Ya--think I was tired.

I jinx myself when I talk about "good" things that are happening. Certainly, I thank the Lord in my prayers. But if you don't notice me raving about the "good" things--that's why. When life is "good" and not too stressful, I start looking for the other "shoe to drop". And it ALWAYS does!!! This is just how my life has ALWAYS worked. I'm not being cynical here. Just realistic. Some people think I'm cynical. I'm not. Just really really REAL!!!

Shopping for insurance. UGH!!! All I can say.

So--here's a fun one for you. I'm not currently a "parent". But--I've studied child development, and education my whole life. I've worked with more children and teenagers than I can count. I'm very observational--and pay attention. Thus, when my friends (some of whom become parents practically or rarely never having worked or been around a lot of kids other than their siblings) have kids--and ask questions--I usually have answers or suggestions. This is quite frustrating. I've learned to say things like "my sister who has kids does this" or "my friends who have children do this"--cause I've noticed the typical initial response to my "suggestions" is "how do you know, you don't have kids". I try also to not give too much advice too often--cause honestly, I get tired of the "attitude" back. Ya--I don't know everything, and I admit that--but oddly enough, even as a single person---I've paid attention my whole life to how babies, children, and teens work. So sometimes, I may actually have observed something that works. Doesn't mean I "know" much of anything (other than what those letters at the end of my name represent I've learned through my 4 degrees)--but it has been my life work. So--just wish sometimes others kind of "got" this better. That's all.

Anywho--that's my random whine for the day. Have a good one!

One empowered choice after another.....

2011-09-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

Love this :)

I don't love this cause I'm perfect at not "blaming" (hello--just vented)---

But because I have experience making "empowered" choices. Especially choices when I've been told "that's crazy". Ya--but crazy is still possible!!! :)

And yes, I hit the snooze button. I just make the "empowered choice" the night before to set the alarm 1/2 hour or so earlier than I actually have to get up. Then, I'm (usually) still on time!!!

Vent....

2011-09-19T06:03:00.000-07:00

I need a good vent today.

I need to vent about 80 some odd things.

About how people telling you your finding "fault"--and actually finding fault in you.

About how some people are convinced that if they just ignore the problems in this world--they will all go away.

About how those same people judge others like myself, who hit problems "head on"--by recognizing them, acknowledging that they are there, pointing them out (you know, the elephant in the room types like me), and DEALING with them---are some how the one's in the "wrong"--or the "judgemental" types--when really--isn't it the one's who refuse to change and recognize their PART in the problem who really have the "problem"?

I need to vent about when you're told one thing (like a place, or a date), and then dealing with the frustration when that place or date is changed either at the last minute (place), or early (date)--leaving you "up a creek"--I hate that!

I need to vent about about what it's like to still be living in boxes.

I need to vent about how much it hurts to be the one blamed for the "problems"--when I'm actually the one who points them out. Ya--that's a fun position to perpetually be in. One of those double-edged sword spiritual gift like problems.

I need to vent about dealing with those who accept the "status quo" as the "only" way--when it truly becomes the "wrong" way once some people hold to it like it's the only tree standing in a tsunami!!! Seriously!!!

And--I really need to vent about these types of people--who claim to represent the same religion I belong to. They claim to represent the doctrine our Saviour taught--when in reality--if I didn't know better than to choose to not become offended (although obviously--I do need to vent)---I'd love to get out that actual doctrine (which I've read and studied almost daily since 17--and no--I'm not bragging--just pointing out a truth) and show them where they're wrong.

And--lastly--I'd just like to point out that I know that none of you reading this vent have any idea what I'm talking about--and are not involved in any of this at all.

I just really needed to vent!!! Forgive me please!

Random

2011-09-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

So--it's random time. Random moments of the day:

My eye has been twitching since I finally woke up today. This week was WAY busy and a little stressful. I feel like I've got nothing done--but I did attend the trainings I was supposed to. So--I guess I did. So--I made up for a lot of lost sleep in the last 30 plus hours. And--then I woke up with a twitching eye lid. I hate that!!! Wish there was a way to get it to stop.

I'm actually watching a little "pig skin" tonight. Yes--I cheer Red. Actually--I usually cheer Crimson and Blue--but they lost really sadly this morning--so tonight--it's "GO BIG RED!!!"

I tried to go to a SA activity tonight. Um....usually it helps--if someone is going to plan one of those...to let people know WHERE IT IS!!! Ya--after an hour of trying to figure it out--I gave up....and went to G. Corral. Yummy! I promised myself almost a decade ago--after trying to attend a YSA activity that ended up being in a different place than I was told (stupid!)--that when I had to deal with stuff like that....and even after trying, still could not find it....I gave the "higher power" this basic message "if I have to deal with this....and it still does not get anywhere when I try to go to one of these activities....then I get a treat when it does not work out!!!" Thus--G. Corral it was!!!

I wish today that people understood the difference in this world between benevolance (doing for someone cause you view them as "helpless"--which is a different definition than Christ's benevolance) and true inclusive community. It would make my life a lot more easy. Awww...I suppose life was not meant to be easy.

Twitch, twitch, twitch....it's driving me nuts. They need to make a pill or something that can deal with this!!!

I used coupons today....and they helped me make my budget at the grocery store!!! That's always nice :) Thanks to my sister who does the couponing. I just get to benefit from her efforts (cause if it was left up to me...couponing would NEVER happen).

Okay--I think that's my randomness for right now. Have a good week!

Thank you!

2011-09-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

I woke up early this morning and watched the World Trade Center Memorial--along with the one at the Pentagon, and Pennsylvania.

I had not planned on waking up early today--it just happened anyway.

And today--for my 9/11 "memorial"--I want to say thank you!

Thank you to the members of the plane crews....

Thank you to the firefighters, the police people, the construction people, steel workers, the EMT's...and anyone I'm forgetting.

Thank you to the woman in charge of the trains that ran under the WTC--emptying 1000 people every minute or so into the WTC basement. Thank you for being in the North Tower for a breakfast meeting. Thank you for stopping the trains once you knew something was happening--even though you had no idea what was happening. Thank you for, 10 years later, giving me physical sense of relief--that maybe, just maybe, my friend who could have been there that morning wouldn't have ever gotten there in the first place. Cause you stopped the trains.

Thank you to the citizens of every city--for working together. For helping miracles to happen. For staying as calm as you could.

Thank you to all those who worked on "the pile" and the other 2 areas.

Thank you to the citizens on Flight 93.

Thank you to my parents--to my friend's parents--the the RS President.

Thank you to the president, the mayor, the leaders--who worked so hard amidst insane conditions.

Thank you to the countries who observed moments of silent. Who cried, as we cried, moaned, and desperately tried to figure out how to "go on".

Thank you to the families--who have grieved with so much loss. Who have put up with so much--thank you.

Thank you to my students--who kept me centered that day. To my mentor--who helped--as we worked together to work through that day. To those I worked with--who made the day survivable....

Thank you to the students--for caring.

Thank you to those who've worked so hard on the "rebuildings" and the "memorials".

Thank you--to our Lord and Saviour--for being there. Amidst the confusion--the horror--I know You were there......along with Our Father.

I'm sure I"ve forgotten some one. Thank you to the FAA, the workers for the airlines--who tried so hard to figure out what was happening. Thank you for the military people--who tried so hard to figure out what was happening. Thank you to the news people for working so hard. I am sorry about the guilt you feel--it is not your fault!

Thank you to the survivors--and the victims--for being SO BRAVE!!!

Thank you--just thank you!!! To those who displayed what it means to be an American!

Thank you!

Always Remember!

2011-09-11T16:26:00.000-07:00

I sit here, watching what occurred that day.

The though that has been passing through my head for the last couple months has been the thought "what was it like before?" I'm not sure why this has been my thought. Perhaps because it's been 9 years--

And things are still different--they will be forever. Forever....

My heart broke that day. The pain was indescribable. And I didn't lose any specific person that day. I feel strange even describing it--as I didn't lose a specific person.

God Bless the USA. Always remember!

But strangely--I feel different today. It broke my heart--and in some ways--opened my heart in ways I would have never fathomed then. I feel sad about those who have closed their hearts in this country--who have remained in that "anger" place. Anger is a part of grief. But if we only stay there...we never move forward. I feel grateful for those first responders--for those who have given up their lives since.

But more so--I feel grateful for all of those, day in/day out who live in both cities--who lost people that day--and have gone on with their lives.

Who live life--everyday---caring, wearing, daring.....

Keep moving forward--we must always remember---but will always dare to go forward!

Here are my rememberances from years in the past. I apologize if any pictures or videos don't work....

August 17, 2000.....

I had a dream. I don't remember when it started. Probably since I was pretty young and "Big" was my favorite movie for years. I watched it not only because Tom Hanks was funny, but because it was so cool to see New York. I remember wondering about NYC when watching the Facts of Life, or the Cosby Show.

This dream got me through my 4 years at Utah State--during times when nothing else was motivating, finishing college so that I could fulfill this dream often got me out of bed, or got me to finish homework at 3:00 a.m. when nothing else would.

Others may think this dream silly....especially those who have been in bigger and more exciting places. But, I had a drive. I do not know why...just a drive.

So, after 6 months of working and saving, and studying....I made my reservations (twice), and I boarded a plane for the very first time (I was 23), and I fulfilled my dream.

It was the year before....one year and 26 days to be exact. Think of that....one year and 26 days. 391 days before.....imagine being someone who could say "just one day before...."--I know someone who can say that....

Here was my view from 391 days before (I finished this scrap book on 9/8/01):

"It was such a bright and sunny morning that morning..."

This is where I went, Aug. 17, 2000....around 9:30 that morning. I purchased my tickets to Riverdance at the TKTS stand in the lobby of the North Tower around 10:30 a.m.

(I love how I wrote "Looking up"--what else could you do but look up?)

You can see my caption there...about the first attack in 1993.

I did not go to the top. I had tickets...but the line was too long....

Cause this was where I was heading that morning. Spent the rest of the afternoon on those 2 islands:

This was my view from the ferry:

This was where I landed, 8 weeks earlier, July 2001:

Logan International Airport, Boston

This is what I wrote last year:

Today, I don't want to share that experience. Instead, I want to share these. You tube is a very interesting concept. A lot of the videos on it are useless, stupid, vile, etc. But, from time to time, something great can be found. So, today, I say let's make sure to never forget--as the country song asks: Do you remember, what you felt that day? The first is a wonderfully touching video--to remind us why we are all here, and Who is here if we choose to follow Him and let Him in. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxJiiWo0JbE&mode=related&search= The second is footage by a family/friends who lived nearby the WTC. It is raw footage of that morning. I share it today not to support the poor use of the footage that happens so often, in a disrespectful way. Instead, I am sharing it to help us never forget. It has been carefully edited by those who recorded it for this reason. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNNTcHq5Tzk&mode=related&search= Never forget!!!

This is my blog entry from September 11, 2006---my experience of that day:

Today has been a very busy day. Productive--until the power went out in the building I was working in--but busy. So, I have yet to be able to remember 9/11/01. So, here is my momment of rememberance: On 9/11 I was in my 3 week of teaching in a new classroom and school. Let's say, I believe that 9/11 was pre-emptive to how the next 5 years went. My mom was getting a chemo treatment that day for breast cancer. The day started out beautiful. I walked in--my students came running in off of the bus--telling me that a plan had hit a building in NYC. They knew I loved NYC. I had taught them well! A new friend/teacher asked me to check out something in her classroom. Needless to say, we didn't think it was that big of a deal. Sad, scary; yes. But, not a terrorist attack. That was until I stopped mid-stream first period--as we were sort of watching, yet talking about what was happening--as the other plane flew in. I can't remember if it was Katie Couric (I think so) who had a look of utter horror (like--I want my kids, and I want out of here!) That's when it hit me. This was an act of war. I ran next door and told my neighbor teacher this. It may not seem significant to others--but I had been in NYC almost exactly a year before 9/11. I had visited the WTC. I had purchased tickets to Riverdance at 10:00 a.m. (approx.) on the first floor of the North Tower. I didn't go to the top, because I wanted to see the Statue of Liberty more (and Ellis Island). Approx. 8 weeks earlier I had flown into Logan International. I knew how many people could be in the WTC. I knew what time things opened. And, I also realized approx. 30 minutes into 9/11 that one of my friends from my ward had run up to me on Sunday and had asked to borrow my NYC tourist stuff (maps, etc.) I had happily given it to me. She was taking the red-eye with a relative who worked with a company (airline) and was going there for a business meeting. I had told this friend to go to the WTC to buy tickets for the broadway plays--at 10:00 a.m. I knew someone who was there--and I didn't know where she was that morning--but I had a feeling from what she had told me about their plans--that she would have been heading that morning to lower Manhatten--to the WTC--to purchase those tickets. This was when everything sunk in. This was when I had to stop the tears, and turn off the TV. It was scaring the students--because suddenly my "brave" act was turning into absolute anxiety and panic. Needless to say, once I got home that night, I tried to call her mom. I couldn't get through. The Relief Society President called me and asked me if she was there--in NYC. I cannot tell you what it felt like to tell someone, yes--you know someone who is there--and no, you don't know where she is at. Via a miracle created by He who controls all, my friend's mom hit the wrong button, and accidentally called me back approx. a half hour later. I asked her if they had heard from her (and from the other relative). They had. She had felt sick all that morning. She had planned to go to the WTC that morning (she would have been there...)--but everytime she woke up, she felt too sick to get up. She did not even know it had happened until after they had fallen (I think). Needless to say, I was relieved--yet, a piece of me was gone. Anguished, in pain--in mourning. It's hard to be in mourning, when you have no one to mourn. It's hard to be in mourning no matter what--but when you've lost the dream of a favorite place...Well, it seems unimportant to others. It is, compared to those who lost people! But, it is a loss none-the less. I just remember--I couldn't cry. I didn't cry for 2 weeks--until the sobs hit. The realization of the closeness sunk in. I can't describe it in a way that gives it justice--but 9/11, like Columbine hit home to me. Some other "big" momments affected me, but didn't hit home. But, 9/11 hit me in a core place which I cannot describe. It has changed me for the better--and also made me grateful to be someone who has been to the WTC. I live life differently now. I live life with a hope to not regret how I've lived my life. I try to take advantage of the opportunities and blessings I'm given, even if it's hard to do. I did this before 9/11--but try to do it even more now. So, in honor of 9/11 I leave this to the Internet void: All we've heard about after 9/11 is making the world safe. The world is not safe. It wasn't before 9/11, and it isn't now. So, we can either live life in a constipated way, waiting for others to take care of us and make sure we're safe, or we can do what we can to provide for ourselves, keep ourselves safe, but recognize that life was meant to be lived--not safely--but lived. Those who are willing to take risks; Who are willing to work EVERYDAY in a building like the North and South Towers took risks everyday. And, I think it's a poor way to remember them by stopping ourselves from living life because we don't want to take risks. Not taking risks will stop our potential dead in it's track. What's more sad? To die taking a "safe" risk like working in a large steel tower, or riding on a plane--or never doing anything because it may not be safe away (or for that matter, taking risks that are not worth much of anything--like eating worms such as can be seen on reality TV)? So--that is my in put. And--to reinforce this idea, check out the link to the title of this post. It's the live camera at Time Square. Check out all those risk takers!

Here's how I still feel about that day:

(This came from the Deseret News--and was likely from a different newspaper).

Finally, here is my link that slightly discusses my visit to the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial: http://disillusionedday.blogspot.com/2007/06/totally-wicked.html

And here is the blog about my visit back to that dream city, this April, 2008:

http://disillusionedday.blogspot.com/2008/04/anything-can-happen.html

This is a website dedicated to the victims of 9/11:

http://www.jontzen.com/tribute.htm

Only watch this.....with tissues:

For the victims of 9/11 and their families.....this day will always be remembered.

For me, the days before this day in 2001 seems like an eternity ago.

I LOVE NYC....it is a remarkable place. The difference in NYC is remarkable between my visit in 2000, and my visit in 2008, but....

I record this...these memories once a year...every year on this date....

So that those who remember are not alone.

And so the rest of us, NEVER FORGET....what a difference 391 days can make.

Finally...here is something that flew around the "Internet" World of that day and age...

Who knows it's reality...who really cares? But, I think it is remember that this as well, especially in this day and age, is remembered as well. I do not do this to "toot a U.S. horn"....I do this to help us remember...and never forget:

"This, from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing.

America: The Good Neighbor.

Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:

'This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth. Germany, Japan, and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of the war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and fogave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States. When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it.

When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.

The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, war-mongering Americans. I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American planes?

Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon---not once, but several times and safely home again.

You talk about scandals, and the Americans but theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.

When the railways of France, Germany, and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.

I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.

Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those. Stand proud America!'"

Stories to share....

2011-09-11T16:23:00.001-07:00

Think these are worth sharing:

Delete
http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/1-in-8-million/index.html#/naisi_zhao

In Remembrance:

2011-09-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this day for a long time...on what to blog. I'm still not really sure. It's been 8 years. 9 years and 25 days since I walked in the lobby of the North Tower. 8 years since my friend was too sick that morning to take the subway straight to the North Tower---where I had told her to go to buy tickets to a Broadway musical. And now it's been 1 year and 5 months since visiting again. This all seems so important...and yet so minimal at the same time.

I watched "We are Marshall" a couple weeks ago. There was a line that the "head coach" said in the movie--the coach who replaced the head coach who died in the plane crash. He said something to the extent that when we play the game, without thinking about "them" (the victims) every morning...that is the day we truly honor their memory. But, I don't know that I agree with that. I think more about the thousands of names...pictures and names...and do we honor them?

So, with the inability to truly honor as one might want to--I include this link as a way to honor and remember those who died that day:

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2001/memorial/lists/by-name/

And--So we never forget--what can never be forgotten:

Talking to my mother a while ago--we talked about that day. I remembered the video above--I saw it years ago for the first time on You Tube. And I talked about the preparations that must have taken place "beyond the veil"---just for that day "imagine the spirits....and the planning...the preparation it took". I told my mom about a story one survivor shared...about a woman who approached her in the stairwell. She was tired, and did not think she could go any further. The lady took her by the arm and said something like "now it's time for you to run--we'll run together. But you have to run." I've heard this story from this same lady more than once on one of the 9/11 shows one of the cable channels have put together. She talked about how once she was outside the building...soon afterward that lady left her--once she was safe, telling her she was "safe now". She did not know that lady, and did not know what happened to that lady. I've heard other similar stories (both related and not related to that day)...even experienced something similar myself (although I was not in anywhere as much danger as that lady was). Hearing that story just makes me think about the heralds of those helping that day. Helping the living---helping those going to the other side of the veil. Helping the survivors...the survivor's families--and the victim's families. Helping those of us who so desperately wanted to figure out what was happening...and how to help. Helping those of us who just didn't know what to think...or what to do. Helping us now....

Finally--I think about the song below. Diana Sawyer did a special for a couple years after 9/11, where she followed the babies of 9/11 widows/widowers. I think they followed until they were about 2. But, 1 year later (I think it was a year later)...as I was still trying to wrap my head around things, I sat in my classroom late that night...of course, trying to put things together again (curriculum---mainly). I turned on the TV that night...hoping I could get something...cause I could not stand to sit in the room quiet. And, I was able to watch the special....showing these sweet little toddlers "dancing"....and they put together a music video to this song--set it up as a message from their "daddies and mommies"--that their parent who died on 9/11 hoped "they danced". I sat and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. I have never forgotten that....ever. So, in remembrance of those children...their parents, the victims, the survivors...and so on....I hope they--and we--in remembrance--somehow, someday can "dance".

In Dedication....

2011-09-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

August 17, 2000.....

I had a dream. I don't remember when it started. Probably since I was pretty young and "Big" was my favorite movie for years. I watched it not only because Tom Hanks was funny, but because it was so cool to see New York. I remember wondering about NYC when watching the Facts of Life, or the Cosby Show.

This dream got me through my 4 years at Utah State--during times when nothing else was motivating, finishing college so that I could fulfill this dream often got me out of bed, or got me to finish homework at 3:00 a.m. when nothing else would.

Others may think this dream silly....especially those who have been in bigger and more exciting places. But, I had a drive. I do not know why...just a drive.

So, after 6 months of working and saving, and studying....I made my reservations (twice), and I boarded a plane for the very first time (I was 23), and I fulfilled my dream.

It was the year before....one year and 26 days to be exact. Think of that....one year and 26 days. 391 days before.....imagine being someone who could say "just one day before...."--I know someone who can say that....

Here was my view from 391 days before (I finished this scrap book on 9/8/01):

"It was such a bright and sunny morning that morning..."

This is where I went, Aug. 17, 2000....around 9:30 that morning. I purchased my tickets to Riverdance at the TKTS stand in the lobby of the North Tower around 10:30 a.m.

(I love how I wrote "Looking up"--what else could you do but look up?)

You can see my caption there...about the first attack in 1993.

I did not go to the top. I had tickets...but the line was too long....

Cause this was where I was heading that morning. Spent the rest of the afternoon on those 2 islands:

This was my view from the ferry:

This was where I landed, 8 weeks earlier, July 2001:

Logan International Airport, Boston

This is what I wrote last year:

Today, I don't want to share that experience. Instead, I want to share these. You tube is a very interesting concept. A lot of the videos on it are useless, stupid, vile, etc. But, from time to time, something great can be found. So, today, I say let's make sure to never forget--as the country song asks: Do you remember, what you felt that day? The first is a wonderfully touching video--to remind us why we are all here, and Who is here if we choose to follow Him and let Him in. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxJiiWo0JbE&mode=related&search= The second is footage by a family/friends who lived nearby the WTC. It is raw footage of that morning. I share it today not to support the poor use of the footage that happens so often, in a disrespectful way. Instead, I am sharing it to help us never forget. It has been carefully edited by those who recorded it for this reason. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNNTcHq5Tzk&mode=related&search= Never forget!!!

This is my blog entry from September 11, 2006---my experience of that day:

Today has been a very busy day. Productive--until the power went out in the building I was working in--but busy. So, I have yet to be able to remember 9/11/01. So, here is my momment of rememberance: On 9/11 I was in my 3 week of teaching in a new classroom and school. Let's say, I believe that 9/11 was pre-emptive to how the next 5 years went. My mom was getting a chemo treatment that day for breast cancer. The day started out beautiful. I walked in--my students came running in off of the bus--telling me that a plan had hit a building in NYC. They knew I loved NYC. I had taught them well! A new friend/teacher asked me to check out something in her classroom. Needless to say, we didn't think it was that big of a deal. Sad, scary; yes. But, not a terrorist attack. That was until I stopped mid-stream first period--as we were sort of watching, yet talking about what was happening--as the other plane flew in. I can't remember if it was Katie Couric (I think so) who had a look of utter horror (like--I want my kids, and I want out of here!) That's when it hit me. This was an act of war. I ran next door and told my neighbor teacher this. It may not seem significant to others--but I had been in NYC almost exactly a year before 9/11. I had visited the WTC. I had purchased tickets to Riverdance at 10:00 a.m. (approx.) on the first floor of the North Tower. I didn't go to the top, because I wanted to see the Statue of Liberty more (and Ellis Island). Approx. 8 weeks earlier I had flown into Logan International. I knew how many people could be in the WTC. I knew what time things opened. And, I also realized approx. 30 minutes into 9/11 that one of my friends from my ward had run up to me on Sunday and had asked to borrow my NYC tourist stuff (maps, etc.) I had happily given it to me. She was taking the red-eye with a relative who worked with a company (airline) and was going there for a business meeting. I had told this friend to go to the WTC to buy tickets for the broadway plays--at 10:00 a.m. I knew someone who was there--and I didn't know where she was that morning--but I had a feeling from what she had told me about their plans--that she would have been heading that morning to lower Manhatten--to the WTC--to purchase those tickets. This was when everything sunk in. This was when I had to stop the tears, and turn off the TV. It was scaring the students--because suddenly my "brave" act was turning into absolute anxiety and panic. Needless to say, once I got home that night, I tried to call her mom. I couldn't get through. The Relief Society President called me and asked me if she was there--in NYC. I cannot tell you what it felt like to tell someone, yes--you know someone who is there--and no, you don't know where she is at. Via a miracle created by He who controls all, my friend's mom hit the wrong button, and accidentally called me back approx. a half hour later. I asked her if they had heard from her (and from the other relative). They had. She had felt sick all that morning. She had planned to go to the WTC that morning (she would have been there...)--but everytime she woke up, she felt too sick to get up. She did not even know it had happened until after they had fallen (I think). Needless to say, I was relieved--yet, a piece of me was gone. Anguished, in pain--in mourning. It's hard to be in mourning, when you have no one to mourn. It's hard to be in mourning no matter what--but when you've lost the dream of a favorite place...Well, it seems unimportant to others. It is, compared to those who lost people! But, it is a loss none-the less. I just remember--I couldn't cry. I didn't cry for 2 weeks--until the sobs hit. The realization of the closeness sunk in. I can't describe it in a way that gives it justice--but 9/11, like Columbine hit home to me. Some other "big" momments affected me, but didn't hit home. But, 9/11 hit me in a core place which I cannot describe. It has changed me for the better--and also made me grateful to be someone who has been to the WTC. I live life differently now. I live life with a hope to not regret how I've lived my life. I try to take advantage of the opportunities and blessings I'm given, even if it's hard to do. I did this before 9/11--but try to do it even more now. So, in honor of 9/11 I leave this to the Internet void: All we've heard about after 9/11 is making the world safe. The world is not safe. It wasn't before 9/11, and it isn't now. So, we can either live life in a constipated way, waiting for others to take care of us and make sure we're safe, or we can do what we can to provide for ourselves, keep ourselves safe, but recognize that life was meant to be lived--not safely--but lived. Those who are willing to take risks; Who are willing to work EVERYDAY in a building like the North and South Towers took risks everyday. And, I think it's a poor way to remember them by stopping ourselves from living life because we don't want to take risks. Not taking risks will stop our potential dead in it's track. What's more sad? To die taking a "safe" risk like working in a large steel tower, or riding on a plane--or never doing anything because it may not be safe away (or for that matter, taking risks that are not worth much of anything--like eating worms such as can be seen on reality TV)? So--that is my in put. And--to reinforce this idea, check out the link to the title of this post. It's the live camera at Time Square. Check out all those risk takers!

Here's how I still feel about that day:

(This came from the Deseret News--and was likely from a different newspaper).

Finally, here is my link that slightly discusses my visit to the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial: http://disillusionedday.blogspot.com/2007/06/totally-wicked.html

And here is the blog about my visit back to that dream city, this April, 2008:

http://disillusionedday.blogspot.com/2008/04/anything-can-happen.html

This is a website dedicated to the victims of 9/11:

http://www.jontzen.com/tribute.htm

Only watch this.....with tissues:

For the victims of 9/11 and their families.....this day will always be remembered.

For me, the days before this day in 2001 seems like an eternity ago.

I LOVE NYC....it is a remarkable place. The difference in NYC is remarkable between my visit in 2000, and my visit in 2008, but....

I record this...these memories once a year...every year on this date....

So that those who remember are not alone.

And so the rest of us, NEVER FORGET....what a difference 391 days can make.

Finally...here is something that flew around the "Internet" World of that day and age...

Who knows it's reality...who really cares? But, I think it is remember that this as well, especially in this day and age, is remembered as well. I do not do this to "toot a U.S. horn"....I do this to help us remember...and never forget:

"This, from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing.

America: The Good Neighbor.

Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:

'This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth. Germany, Japan, and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of the war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and fogave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States. When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it.

When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.

The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, war-mongering Americans. I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American planes?

Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon---not once, but several times and safely home again.

You talk about scandals, and the Americans but theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.

When the railways of France, Germany, and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.

I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.

Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those. Stand proud America!'"

Never Forget!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-09-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

If you click on the title, you can find my blog from 9/11 last year. I shared my experience that day in that blog.

Today, I don't want to share that experience. Instead, I want to share these. You tube is a very interesting concept. A lot of the videos on it are useless, stupid, vile, etc. But, from time to time, something great can be found.

So, today, I say let's make sure to never forget--as the country song asks: Do you remember, what you felt that day?

The first is a wonderfully touching video--to remind us why we are all here, and Who is here if we choose to follow Him and let Him in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxJiiWo0JbE&mode=related&search=

The second is footage by a family/friends who lived nearby the WTC. It is raw footage of that morning. I share it today not to support the poor use of the footage that happens so often, in a disrespectful way. Instead, I am sharing it to help us never forget. It has been carefully edited by those who recorded it for this reason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNNTcHq5Tzk&mode=related&search=

Never forget!!!

World Trade Towers

2011-09-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very busy day. Productive--until the power went out in the building I was working in--but busy. So, I have yet to be able to remember 9/11/01. So, here is my momment of rememberance:

On 9/11 I was in my 3 week of teaching in a new classroom and school. Let's say, I believe that 9/11 was pre-emptive to how the next 5 years went. My mom was getting a chemo treatment that day for breast cancer. The day started out beautiful. I walked in--my students came running in off of the bus--telling me that a plan had hit a building in NYC. They knew I loved NYC. I had taught them well! A new friend/teacher asked me to check out something in her classroom. Needless to say, we didn't think it was that big of a deal. Sad, scary; yes. But, not a terrorist attack.

That was until I stopped mid-stream first period--as we were sort of watching, yet talking about what was happening--as the other plane flew in. I can't remember if it was Katie Couric (I think so) who had a look of utter horror (like--I want my kids, and I want out of here!) That's when it hit me. This was an act of war. I ran next door and told my neighbor teacher this.

It may not seem significant to others--but I had been in NYC almost exactly a year before 9/11. I had visited the WTC. I had purchased tickets to Riverdance at 10:00 a.m. (approx.) on the first floor of the North Tower. I didn't go to the top, because I wanted to see the Statue of Liberty more (and Ellis Island). Approx. 8 weeks earlier I had flown into Logan International. I knew how many people could be in the WTC. I knew what time things opened. And, I also realized approx. 30 minutes into 9/11 that one of my friends from my ward had run up to me on Sunday and had asked to borrow my NYC tourist stuff (maps, etc.) I had happily given it to me. She was taking the red-eye with a relative who worked with a company (airline) and was going there for a business meeting. I had told this friend to go to the WTC to buy tickets for the broadway plays--at 10:00 a.m. I knew someone who was there--and I didn't know where she was that morning--but I had a feeling from what she had told me about their plans--that she would have been heading that morning to lower Manhatten--to the WTC--to purchase those tickets. This was when everything sunk in. This was when I had to stop the tears, and turn off the TV. It was scaring the students--because suddenly my "brave" act was turning into absolute anxiety and panic.

Needless to say, once I got home that night, I tried to call her mom. I couldn't get through. The Relief Society President called me and asked me if she was there--in NYC. I cannot tell you what it felt like to tell someone, yes--you know someone who is there--and no, you don't know where she is at.

Via a miracle created by He who controls all, my friend's mom hit the wrong button, and accidentally called me back approx. a half hour later. I asked her if they had heard from her (and from the other relative). They had. She had felt sick all that morning. She had planned to go to the WTC that morning (she would have been there...)--but everytime she woke up, she felt too sick to get up. She did not even know it had happened until after they had fallen (I think).

Needless to say, I was relieved--yet, a piece of me was gone. Anguished, in pain--in mourning. It's hard to be in mourning, when you have no one to mourn. It's hard to be in mourning no matter what--but when you've lost the dream of a favorite place...Well, it seems unimportant to others. It is, compared to those who lost people! But, it is a loss none-the less. I just remember--I couldn't cry. I didn't cry for 2 weeks--until the sobs hit. The realization of the closeness sunk in. I can't describe it in a way that gives it justice--but 9/11, like Columbine hit home to me. Some other "big" momments affected me, but didn't hit home. But, 9/11 hit me in a core place which I cannot describe. It has changed me for the better--and also made me grateful to be someone who has been to the WTC. I live life differently now. I live life with a hope to not regret how I've lived my life. I try to take advantage of the opportunities and blessings I'm given, even if it's hard to do. I did this before 9/11--but try to do it even more now.

So, in honor of 9/11 I leave this to the Internet void: All we've heard about after 9/11 is making the world safe. The world is not safe. It wasn't before 9/11, and it isn't now. So, we can either live life in a constipated way, waiting for others to take care of us and make sure we're safe, or we can do what we can to provide for ourselves, keep ourselves safe, but recognize that life was meant to be lived--not safely--but lived. Those who are willing to take risks; Who are willing to work EVERYDAY in a building like the North and South Towers took risks everyday. And, I think it's a poor way to remember them by stopping ourselves from living life because we don't want to take risks. Not taking risks will stop our potential dead in it's track. What's more sad? To die taking a "safe" risk like working in a large steel tower, or riding on a plane--or never doing anything because it may not be safe away (or for that matter, taking risks that are not worth much of anything--like eating worms such as can be seen on reality TV)? So--that is my in put.

And--to reinforce this idea, check out the link to the title of this post. It's the live camera at Time Square. Check out all those risk takers!

To Honor....

2011-09-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

To Honor this 10th Anniversary--I'm going to post my 5 previous posts from the last 5 years on 9/11/01 for a couple days--so you can view them. The first is from 2006. They'll each follow in succession as I post them until 2010. On Sunday I'll post this year's.

Always Remember--Never Forget!

Some days....

2011-09-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

Some days it's just too much.

I've been promised that words and actions will have good effect.

Yes--literally blessed/promised.

But---that does not mean they'll have good effect for me---

Or that I'll see that good effect.

And some days it's just too much.

It's too much--to get bombarded with emotional people, stuck on traditions that are outdated and need to end, but they refuse to see how things could be better.

It's too much for me to repititively have to ask people to not use derogatory words and phrases.

It's too much for me to continue this mission--constantly called up on to stand alone.

I'm grateful the Lord is there--and stands with me--or I could honestly just give up on the days...when it's too much.

Warning: Venting!!!

2011-09-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

I lived with someone once....

I guess you could call it a roommate....

It was really not fun.

If any of us were up later than this person...

We'd be woken up the next morning (early) with banging of cupboards.

If we said something that offended this person...

We could tell--but this person would not tell us what we had said/done.

Let's just call it passive aggressiveness at it's "best".

You know what I learned from that?

After trying to apologize almost for breathing wrong around this person.

Eventually I had to learn that I had done what I could--never meant to "offend" this person....

Never was trying to hurt this person...

Instead this person chose what they chose.

I tried...this person chose something else.

Thus, I learned that we choose to become offended. We choose to be "non-forgiving" (not that I'm saying this person was--it just felt like it)

And now I'm venting....if one chooses to become offended--and others do not apoligize---

Or, even if they do...it's still not their fault.

Certainly, if you know it was meant to be personal, that's one thing....

But most of the time, something taken personally is not meant personally.

And, aw, the relief it is to realize this!!!

Thank you for letting me vent!

In 10 years---how have we changed?

2011-09-04T22:44:00.000-07:00

Been pondering this--as I said in an earlier post.

The news is progressively been discussing this "what has changed in 10 years" question.

So--I thought I'd add a few of my own--

In 10 years, what has changed?

1. I don't "put up" with as much any more...emotionally, mentally, etc. I think part of the "chutzpah" comes from the years of experience I've gained--as well as getting to be older than 30. But--I think "nation wide"--we could say that, overall, much of attitudes have changed. Flight 93 happened for a reason. And we honor the memories of those who were brave enough to say "No way!", by, in essence, doing the same.

2. I fly more. Yup--WAY more.

3. I've changed jobs, held 3 plus jobs at one time, gained 8 more years of schooling, moved 4 times--yup--faced fears I think....

4. I've gone back to where "it" happened--both in the NY and in the DC. Which was really, really good.

5. I've learned to confront anxiety--and beat it. At least beat it better than before.

6. I use the internet more (dur!)

7. I pray more--not that I didn't pray a lot then--just even more now.

8. I "defy" the odds more--especially the assumptions of others.

9. I still attempt to live without regrets--actually--this increased after that day.

10. I think (hope, pray) I recognize how important life is--living it to the fullest, and recognizing what is important--more now.

Mmmmm.....ya--I LOVE proving those whom are obsessed with fear wrong :)

P.S. I ALSO passed 4 stats classes--with nothing less than an A- and my mother is still breathing. Ya--that's a raspberry in some eyes :)

So--I'm sending out an "all call". I want to hear from others. How have you changed in the 10 years "since"? What do you do to "prove them wrong"? How do you live your life each day differently? So--I'd love for everyone to make a list on your blog of the 10 ways you live differently now--but not the "negative" changes--the positive ones--how do you "prove them wrong" everyday? So--write you list, and then link your blog into a comment on mine. I'd love to read everyone else's!!!

Zen?

2011-08-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

So--the last 3 days have been interesting at best.

Let's just say, I've had to "zen" (for lack of a better word?) civil rights leaders from the past. No--I'm not kidding.

Lovely to say--I found relief and wonderful blessings in this blessed place I'm at and working!!!!

It's been tense, dramatic (on a personal level), scary, sweet, and now we are just praying....

That it will truly all work out--and "right will win".

So--really--right now I'm kind of spent, kind of procrastinating....kind of....

Praying, praying, praying :)

Why is it comforting?

2011-08-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

So....

We're coming upon an important anniversary soon....

And by we--I mean all of "we".

Every year for the last 10, I've tried to find a way to honor this anniversary.

And, oddly enough--remembering, reviewing, even watching in order to remember and review is oddly....comforting?

It's oddly comforting that "we" experienced it...and remember it all.

This reality has struck me every year...and it's striking me again.

I don't really know why I'm blogging about it now.

I have nothing more to comment about than what I said above.

I remember last year I was pondering if it could even be recalled what it was like "before".

Recently my little relative starting asking me questions about "what was around when I was little?"

Was there electricity (um...ya babe!)

What were phones like (they used to be attached to the wall, you know!)

I remember when I was teaching, trying to grasp that I had students who were born after the wall came down.

In fact, many adults now were born after that historical event.

So--how to describe (when asked) "what was it like before?"

Do I remember? Do I want to (it's painful, you know what I mean....and I didn't lose like some did)....

Anyway...sorry to get all philisophical....just what I've been pondering on lately.

I pray comfort will be given to those whom need it the most!

That night...

2011-08-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

I had forgotten a to buy a present.

To be honest--I had not really had time.....and then consciously chose to put off buying anything....

I had given money for the shower gift....I can't remember now if I went---

I don't think I did.

But, yet again...she was 19, he barely 22.

And to Ogden they were going--to be sealed.

I was happy for them...somewhere.

But mainly, mainly all I felt was pain. Horrible, indescribable pain.

My mom asked me that night if I was going to go with them.

Ya--that's what I wanted to do. At around 25 years old or so--I wanted yet again to get into the back seat of my parent's car

And go stare at someone else's line,

Someone else's dress...

Someone else's dream coming true....

So--I told her no...I was going to take my sad car a little after they left...

Especially since my father is notorious for being way beyond on time...

So...once it was dark outside...my younger sister refused to go with me.

I got in my car and set off.

Stopped at the ATM...I had a blank card.

And....I drove. I can't even remember now if I drove by the reception.

I think I did...I think I even pulled into the parking lot.

And drove around...

In tears

And then...I was angry---furious.

And, I left--I high tailed it out of there.

I felt dangerous. I felt like I wanted to take a risk.

Instead I drove around the east side in tears.

I got lost on Highland Drive, and 1300 East.

I drove downtown...and got lost there too.

And I cried, and yelled--yelled in prayer.

I was furious....I was angry.

Why? Why did "everyone" else get it...and I got "screwed"?

Why? What had I ever done wrong?

I had worked so hard, still was working hard (still am).

I had tried everything in the last many years I could think of.

I had begged for dates, asked out, pleaded in prayer...

Changed myself, gone to a Single's Ward I hated, prayed, and prayed...

I'd said yes the few rare times I'd been asked out. I even "bought" a date once.

I tried to learn how to flirt. I tried and tried and tried.

I laid this all out for the Lord. Through clenched and grinding teeth.

And I asked in frustration "What am I supposed to do?"

The answer did not come that day.....I believe I even took another frustrated drive (although then it was out of anxiety and fear, and desperation that the Lord would help me figure out how to "get out" of the state I was so tired of being in (in more ways than one)....

But--the reality started that day. I began figuring it out.

It was not about me...I had done nothing wrong.

I came home that night tear stained, and some how--blessed with peace.

NOT peace that my dreams would "come true"

But that the Lord would relieve my pain. Lighten my loads--but not take away my burden....

And...I can sit here and testify that He has.

I no longer live close enough to attend the receptions.

As much as I'm happy for people...and love to send gifts and good wishes.

My load has been lightened. Made easier to bare.

I've learned through this...though...to live the Lord's plan...His dream.

I still have a lot to do....a ways to go....(don't we all?)

But..what He began to show me that day, was that my road was different.

It was away from the "customs" and "traditions" that plagued me.

It was mainly further away from the "culture" I resented because of the pain it (and people who have a hard time accepting anything but what the "culture" says they should have)caused me and so many others whose lives are not ideal.

I've even been blessed to at least know a partial reason why.

Is there still pain? Heck ya!!! I find it appalling when people judgingly look at me, assuming I CHOSE this life.

I don't know what happened in the life before this....whether we "chose" our trials. But I personally believe that the Lord's plans for us were made for us...not chosen by us. We chose to come here....we chose to be valiant--and accept whatever that would bring into our lives.

But...what the Lord let me know that day, was that it was NOT my fault. HE knew the whole story...beginning to end. AND HE was whom mattered...

Not anyone else.

So...tonight...I wish the newleyweds a wonderful party, I'm grateful they've had a beautiful day...

And hope to send a gift once I have money again.

But...I'm grateful I did what the Lord wanted me to do. To follow His plan for me...

Not anyone else's vision. For His is the one I am supposed to follow...and THAT is what is important in the end!!!

Started Anew

2011-08-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

I got an amazing opportunity today...

To begin anew.

There are many reasons why--which I won't explain here.

But--this poem came to mind dozens of times to me today.

I can testify--as my life seems to testify this just by the situations I've been placed in

That this poem is so true!!! There is SUCH a difference when people say "that's my job" instead of

"That's Not My Job"

--and I can see the difference--quickly, quietly--yet strongly.

Life is hard enough without people ignoring--

That just a little work--

Just a little time---

Can make the BIGGEST difference.

I'm not saying I'm perfect at this--cause I'm not (who is?)

But there is a difference between not being "perfect"

And pretty blatent indifference.

Today--I am so blessed!! I was blessed before--

But--today I know that people can be amazing!

That people can be awesome!!!

And that people can follow the Spirit!!!

Thank you to all of you who have!!!

If I think about it too much--I fall into happy tears!!!

Thank you to He who is in control!

Here is the poem. Unfortunately--when I checked it out--the author seems to be Unknown.

But I did check it out--to make sure I crossed all the copyright t's and dotted all the i's!

"That's Not My Job"

"This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have."

Author :Unknown

Here is what I've learned: When the answer is "They should have done this"--and yet no one can name whom They are--it's a sign!!!

After a week like this....

2011-08-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

Much fear is amongering.....

Much despair all around...

And yet--after a week like this....

This is what the Lord has brought to my mind.

May we remember that someone before us--

Has already paid the price..felt our pain.

He can bless us with peace..and knows the hard times!

Now--go forth and help others...like this video says--wish we all would!

Ode to July!

2011-07-31T19:58:00.001-07:00

To the month I was born in:

Thank you for your warm breezes, heat and humidity!

Thank you for your beautiful blue skies and fluffy clouds!!

Thank you for your late July summer rain storms,

And for slightly cooler evenings for us to play in!

For circuses and fireworks,

For birthday cakes and sunscreen!

For new friends and new people to meet!

Thank you for coming half-way through every year,

To be something to look forward to--and something to fondly remember

Every year!

(I could get an A in a 4th grade poem assignment with that one! As long as they didn't have to rhyme, that is...)

Crying...

2011-07-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

I admit it--I'm a crying mess whenever I move.

Part of it is "homesickness" (which is really weird this summer--cause I haven't really had a "home")

Part of it is that I usually get to spend a lot of time with family before/during/after a move.

Actually--that's about the biggest reason.

I'm very excited and happy about this move....

And have been blessed with so much Spiritual peace about all of it.

And yet--still--boobing and crying did ensue.

I'm sure others are better at this than me....but hope others turn into the sopping mess I usually do too...

Oh--and some of the shows on Disney XD are WEIRD!!!

Oh--STOP the whining!!!

2011-07-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay---

I know--this is supposed to be my "whine and cheese" blog.

And I've certainly whined a plenty on here about different things.

But you know--from my sisters, to people at the store, to whomever--

STOP whining about the heat!!!

YES--I'm grateful for it. After 11 months in tundra land, you would be too!!!

YES--I understand it affects different people differently--and that I likely am "glistening" while others are sweating bullets.

I don't know why this is--but for heavens sake--

We only get the "dog days" of summer for so long--

And--it's been feeling hotter where I used to live, compared to where I am now!

Sure--some rain would be nice (for the garden and crops if anything)--

But--I just refuse to complain about heat and humidity this year!!!

It's hot--be grateful--

It could be 30 below zero with 4 feet of snow!

I prefer 100 degrees that feels like 103!!!

Babbling....

2011-07-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

Mmmm...random babbling seems to be my specialty right now. So here's some random babbling right now:

1. HP 7 part 2 was awesome!!! And--I'm on book 4. Kind of fun to read them like this (one after another--all together) :)

2. Scripture moment: Really wish people would quit saying that we've been promised we'd never be given more than we can handle. That's not what the scriptures say! In fact, what the KJVersion of the Bible says (in 1 Corinthians) is that we'll never be tempted beyond what the Lord will provide us an escape. Meaning: we have to CHOOSE to take that escape.....I could babble more....but, I won't.

3. I've been eating ice a lot lately. And my teeth are hurting because of it. What--I get a couple years beyond 30 and all of a sudden my sensitivity tooth paste becomes less effective or something? So annoying!! I love eating ice! Arg!

4. Found a place to live :) Praying no one who smokes moves in next door!

5. People are right: fresh grown food tastes better! BUT--veggies in general are good--so no--I'm not going "fresh" only :)

6. I love that it's warm--and the sun is up at a "typical" time (as in not 5:30 a.m. in the morning!)

7. I LOVE that it's hotter where I used to live (at least it feels hotter) than here. This may only last a couple days--I don't care! Makes me happy :)

8. I think that's all my random babbling for today. Thanks for reading!

6.

Well--this is an interesting situation...

2011-07-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

Just read this story--and first of all I have to say a big:

DUR!!!!

What did people think was going to happen? Base people's job on an unfair assessment of a child's skills, demand "perfection" which is not even possible, and people cheat.

DUR!!!

Now--I'm not justifying that cheating is okay--cause it's not.

But, this is the quote I think makes my point:

"Virtually every teacher who confessed to cheating spoke of the inordinate stress the district placed on meeting targets and the dire consequences for failure," the report stated. "Dr. Hall articulated it as: 'No exceptions. No excuses.' If the principals did not meet targets within three years, she declared, they will be replaced and 'I will find someone who will meet targets.'"
The report went on to say that "data can be properly used as a tool to assess academic progress. But data can also be used as an abusive and cruel weapon to embarrass and punish classroom teachers and principals or as a pretext to termination. After hundreds of interviews, it has become clear that Dr. Hall and her staff used data as a way to exert oppressive pressure to meeting targets."

As someone who has seen this first hand--experienced this type of abuse myself--and have seen administrators (including principals) mistreat others in order to either make themselves look better, or make the school/students "look" better....

I say "DUR!!!"

This is why it does not work people!! This is why basing teacher pay, teacher's jobs, and teacher's livelihoods, and student's futures completely and utterly on test results--on numbers...on BUBBLES FILLED OUT ON A SCAN TRON is WRONG, and only leads to problems!!!!!!!!!

Education is the job of PEOPLE--not making mini-machines. Our product are not objects--they are breathing, thinking people--CHILDREN. Yes--assessment should occur--but if the point of the assessment is only to use it to judge, punish, mistreat, and manipulate--failure and/or breaking the rules becomes people's only options.

Failure should never be the only option in a school--both for the students, and for their parents. If you want to promote a positive LEARNING environment--a positive TEACHING environment has to be promoted as well.

Oh--and I love Sec. Duncan's statement--don't know if it will do anything to the stalemate which is the US Congress right now--especially with the ESEA bill--but at least he did something--beyond what he's done beforehand! OH--and can they please record his next meeting with Congress--cause I would LOVE to see this play out...LIVE :)

P.S. I'd truly love to see what this superintendent's test scores were of her students when she was teaching---but then that begs the question: has she ever actually taught in a classroom? For more than just a couple years? Ya--that begs an investigation on it's own in my opinion!!!

Here's the article: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700150206/Atlanta-teachers-arent-the-only-ones-cheating.html

Blog Planning....

2011-07-07T23:28:00.000-07:00

So---I've decided that blogging takes planning...

Like currently--I have about 15 or more blog entries--for more than one blog--planning out in my head.

I do this sometimes--but the actual writing and blogging part....

Ya--not quite there yet.

So--instead you're getting the random babblings of an over-tired aunt--who is listening to her young niece pass gas (and she's at the age where she thinks it's funny. Oh the joy when it becomes EMBARRASSING!!! I can't wait for 5th grade--cause I think that's the age when it becomes EMBARRASSING!!!)

Ya--that's random.

Anywho--so yesterday I nearly lost my noggin', cause one of the blogs I have planned, I lost the "little thing" I needed to do it.

Notice--no picture has been taken yet--or anything.

I thought my nephew--who is far too curious--and good at hiding things--was far too interested in the little thing I had.

But--I did find it--under the couch. After much searching.

Anywho--here's some random ramblings for ya:

1. "Swamp People" seems to be out discovery of the summer. It's an awesome show! I'm very impressed by (most) of the men on this here show (plus--I can pull my country-self out when I watch it....)

2. Did you know I'm moving closer to "The Bayou"? Yup--I think that's pretty cool...

3. We've been quoting "The Princess and The Frog" to each other while watching this show "Don't make me light my butt!" I may use that line with the kiddos tomorrow when they go one step a little too far.

4. I made my niece sleep in her bedroom last night--cause she didn't help her brother--but just sat there staring at him (then said "well, I did what you told me to"). Ya kid--learn to not use instructions from others as an excuse for not being nice. Not a good idea....

5. I'm trying to read all the Harry P. books again--mainly cause it's an escape from a lot of things....and cause it sounded like a good idea from a girl I met on a bus up to Chicago about a week ago.

6. Although, I can say this about the age my niece is at--she may not be "embarrassed" yet--BUT--she's old enough (and usually excited) to help with things--especially if she can earn a little money! So--my hole punching and other little jobs (which I HATE doing--but she LOVES doing) are getting done--and not by me! Woo hoo!

7. I'm not very random tonight....perhaps I should go to bed...ha ha ha.

Have a good night :)

Independence Day!!!

2011-07-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

To honor this awesome day (and the fact that it is July!!!!) here is one of my favorite parts, of one of my favorite songs for ya'll!!!

"And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA."

Thank you Lee Greenwood!

Domestisity

2011-06-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

Is that how you spell that word? I think there is a c in it somewhere...

Anywho...so, I'm sitting her--it's 2:25 p.m.--unshowered, brushed, etc. Watching "The Brave Little Toaster" with my niece....

And thoroughly enjoying myself!!!!

I've pondered today on domesticity (see--I knew there was a c).

See--growing up, I always assumed I would be very domestic. I like being domestic.

I mean--the toilet scrubbing and bum changing gets a little old after a while--but I enjoy most of it.

The cooking, some of the cleaning, sewing, etc.

I love the creative side of it. And I especially always had an affinity for the child-rearing.

Not to mean that I'm perfect at it--oh puh-lease--who is?

But--see, I've come to realize something...

B. Young asked some sisters to get medical training after the Saints we first in SLC. I read one story when preparing a lesson for Institute last year....about a woman who had "sister-wives" if you know what I mean...

And yes, we don't have those anymore--not for more than 150 years practically!

BUT--I realized--ahhh....that's what it is like for my sisters and I.

When I'm visiting, it's like there are 3 of us to do the work that one "wife" usually does. And it's so nice.

See--in my crazy-busy working life, I don't usually get the chance to be very domestic. I mean--I spent 1.5 hours this morning preparing a pasta salad for dinner tonight, and vegetables for us to eat all week.

Wow--it was pretty fun! Cause I usually have no time--and especially this last year, I've had very little energy to do anything like that for myself!

I must admit--the one thing I worry about as I move toward adoption is the time situation. I must admit--I already hire someone to clean my place when I'm working full time--and convenience controls most of my life. Anything more usually requires more time and effort than I'm willing to give.

But--I have to say this: As I read the story for Institute--I realized how inspired the Lord was--and is.

See--one of the women in the story for Institute had 9 children of her own--and went back east for 4 years for school--leaving the majority of her children to her "sister-wives" to care for.

They also took care of the children when she would be gone for days at a time to rural areas of UT caring for the ill, delivering babies, etc.

She loved what she did, loved how she could serve, and loved her "sister wives" who helped in the process. I was so impressed.

As someone who I've often felt was "blessed and burdened" with a "mission" of sorts (both Spiritual and Earthly) that is far different than an 18 month stint--it's nice to know that the Lord provides for people--even like me---

Even if it's with "domestic breaks" and supports from my sisters--and other awesome people who help me and provide conveniences to assist me to do what the Lord needs me to (when I'm not able to having a "domestic break").

Okay--that's my random mumblings for today. Need to take care of the little one's boo-boo now :)

Sum it up....

2011-06-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

So--here's a sum up of the last 3 weeks of my life.

1. Drive 10 hours--get pulled over--have my niece "cute" the officer into a warning.

2. Lots of playing, 9 year old sleep over, new friends, packing, packing, packing, back pain, head pain, oh stop already pain!

3. Say good bye--movers pack truck.

4. Dad comes--then we drive, drive, drive, drive, drive....

5. Go to Church--and then pack, and then drive, drive, drive,

6. Go see tornado damage in city in MO--very overwhelming

7. Eat at Village Inn--it was yummy!

8. Get to new city--

9. Movers move into 2 storage units

10. OD on vitamin D--oops--sunburn!

11. Drive, drive, drive back after dropping off dad at airport

12. Body goes into rebellion--refuses to function today (just love having IBS)--so I slept day away...

13. Now preparing for another drive, drive, drive--to the bus/train station for the trip back up for a conference. Yes--back north for a short trip...I know--rolling eyes....

14. Excited, happy, and body still in mess....ahhh--the joys.

So--there you go. Now--to just find a place to live! Praying, praying, praying!

P.S. I FINALLY got my tax return!! It only took 4 months!

I Guess some People really Do like it....

2011-06-12T19:33:00.000-07:00

So--earlier this week, I was sitting, FINALLY getting a much needed hair cut and color.

Another lady was having the same done.

She seemed like a nice lady. Both she and I were respectively talking to our hair stylists--mainly about the weather here in "tundra" land.

And while I and my stylist were bemoaning the still constant need for Vitamin D supplements and never-ending blankets of cloud coverages here in the north--

The other one was surprising her hair stylist by saying that she hoped at a future "festival" that she would be attending--that it would be cool enough for her to wear a sweatshirt--cause that's how she liked it.

I admit--I got quiet, and listened in a little.

So--there really are--there really are people who like this wearing sweatshirts in June thing? Wow!!

So--while I'm dreaming about the great blanket of warm air and humidity that will "blanket" me (along with blue skies, crazy tornadic weather, and awesome sun)--others are hoping that they won't actually have to pack away all of their winter wear.

Yep--there are--and I don't think I'll ever "get" it.

Approx. 123 hours left to go!!!

Packing would be easier...if I didn't have a freaking headache!!!

2011-06-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

So--up here in "tundra" land as I "lovingly" call it--

I get headaches, especially when the sun is not out. They've been horrible.

I have one, right now. It's terribly annoying--as I should be packing.

But--at some point, I will try to put pictures with this...cause here's some random movie lines I've thought of in the last couple days:

"Who makes this!!!" When driving through a VERY large metro area--which was VERY poorly designed. Know what movie that's from? Think Julia Roberts :)

"When we were on our way to Shakopee"--yep--I drove past Shakopee yesterday. Thoroughly rural :)

Then--my mind went here:

"Pee? Pee pee pee pee! Runt!"

Yup--which movie is that one from?

Then--do not forget this one:

"It's amazing how exotic Wisconsin... isn't."

I can attest to that!

But--my favorite quote of all--well other than the one I posted on my other blog and Fb (I complained while driving through previously stated VERY large city "Who designed this place?" to which my niece said "Someone who needs to go back to college!" Laughed hysterically at that one.

So--while one the way to someplace this morning my niece said:

"I don't get it? The news said that it would be 70 degrees with a chance of clouds? This isn't a chance of clouds--this is a blanket of clouds!"

Yep--truth from the mouths of babes!!!

Approx. 216 hours left in tundra land. Hallalujia!!!

If the sun ever comes out--and my headache ends--I'll try to get pics up--ha ha!

So Funny!!!

2011-06-06T07:12:00.001-07:00

Kay--these were so funny--I had to post the link! If only I could think of the "come-backs" like these at the right moments!

http://www.danoah.com/2011/06/things-you-should-never-say-to-single.html#more

Enjoy!

My Random Reviews

2011-06-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

So--I decided today to give you some of my recent "Random Reviews".

These are reviews of products I like--a lot. Some of them may be "different" or something--but I like them.

First would be on that may seem "different"

Desitin

I have very sensitive skin. Always have. I have to be very careful about the soaps I use, the detergents I use, etc. Plus, a lot of perfumes set off my sinus allergies.

But--I often get sensitive skin spots. In UT--my skin was always itchy. ALWAYS--dry--HATED it!!! So--lotions were the only option I had--and Hydrocortisone. I would get patches of eczyma. But--there are always certain parts of the body that are not dry....usually the parts that "rub" on clothing or "rub" on other parts of the skin (you know--underarm, stuff like that). We all have them--so don't see this as TMI or anything!!! So--my sensitive skin would get sore in UT--I always thought it was cause of dry skin in those areas when I lived there.

Then--I moved to where there was pretty constant humidity--and life became (for the most part) WAY less itchy!!! WOO HOO!! But--"those" areas became more sore. Obviously not cause of dry skin. So--I searched, and searched for some kind of skin ointment or lotion that would work. NOTHING worked. So--I finally searched on-line. And guess what??? Desitin is what came highly recommended. And, I have to say: IT WORKS!!! Makes life far more comfortable!!!

Yet--again--more TMI:

LOVE this product. I have IBS--it's a pain!!! But--this is the ONE and ONLY product that I take regularly that really seems to help! I still have "flares"--but nothing like what I used to have before the invention of this lovely little pro-biotic!!!

Philips Colon Health

I know this sounds weird--cause in the morning I don't have a problem brushing my teeth. But--this last year, with all the health issues I've had--I literally would drag myself to bed everyday (if not just fall asleep the minute I got home late from work!)

So--I have to "bribe" myself to take care of the oral health at night. Which better mean I like the tooth paste--how it tastes and feels. Plus--I have sensitive teeth--which complicates life a little.

Well--found this one. And even though it's a little more expensive--it actually gets me to want to brush my teeth before I crash (especially when my fatigue was at it's worse this winter).

Sensodyne Iso-Active

I recently began having major problems with my cell phone company. They were WAY over-charging me--and their customer service went from WONDERFUL to HORRIBLE over-night.

So--I needed to change. My sister and her husband found this great deal with Virgin Wireless Mobile. It's not contract, sort of "pay as you go"--but not as obnoxious as always having to go buy a phone card (ugh!)

So--I switched! And so far, so great!

Virgin Mobile

Finally--a movie/DVD suggestion. My sisters got this from Net Flix--and we watched it while I was visiting. It's a really good movie. I think it's rated PG-13--but it's one of those where I'm like "Why is it rated that?"

So--I recommend it :)

Invictus

So there you go--those are my current "Random Reviews"! Enjoy!

Living out of a suitcase.....

2011-06-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

So--in the last 5 years, I think I've perfected this art. Especially since, a couple weeks ago, I successfully slept in my CAR because of a delayed plane.

So--here's some of my ideas on how to do this on a regular basis:

1. Get rid of as much of the big stuff as you can--buy a lot of travel sized items!

2. Buy outfits and shoes that can go with lots of stuff--and each other--so you can attempt to do things with only 1 pair of shoes and a couple outfits.

3. Pack a wind-breaker. Just trust me on that one!

4. Pack an alarm clock. A small one that doesn't use batteries. Trust me on that one too.

5. When possible--don't check baggage.

6. When traveling some where familiar--like family (which I travel back and forth on a constant basis)--pack a suit case with all your clothes, and a shoulder type bag with your toiletries and pajamas/underwear. That way--when you get there--you can just grab that bag, and not worry about the suitcase (cause likely you'll be getting there late--and will be too tired to care--at least I always am). Sometimes I just pack an extra change of clothing too--simplifies things. Oh--this helps when packing to move (which I'm becoming way too good at as well!!!)

7. Inevitably, you will forget something. So--become really good at making things out of what you can find at Walgreens or CVS or another convenience store. I've made a scarf out of a headband, bought substitutes for things I've forgotten, etc.

8. The new trick I've been taught, to save money, is buy snacks/lunch stuff you can buy (helps if you have a fridge in your hotel/motel room)--especially when at a conference and you know lunch food will cost a fortune.

9. Always, always, always pack fingernail clippers, toenail clippers, a little pair of scissors, and an emery board. Just trust me on that too (oh--and ear plugs and a sleeping pill can be helpful too).

10. This really doesn't have to do with living out of a suitcase--but as I'm just not the best mass transport user, I've recently found that when all else fails (or I just really don't want to hail a cab)--go into a nice hotel and tip the door man to do it (whether you're staying there or not!). So. much. easier.

So--there you go--your total random information for the night!

What's happening.....

2011-05-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

So--what's happening?

Well--I disappeared for a while. Some major life changes were in the "works"--and so I had to go "off-line".

Still working out all the details--but I am also working on a major overhaul of my blogs. I have quite a few, you see.

So--this one is going to still be considered my "personal" blog--and my "whine and cheese" blog--although I'm still not quite sure how often I'll be posting--or how long my postings will stay "up"--but I'm happy to be back "on-line".

So--welcome back!!! :)