Doctor, Doctor....

So--doctors....

Yup--that sums it all up. Funny thing is--I am one!

But--I'm a doctor of education---

Not a medical doctor.

I HATE doctor shopping--finding a new doctor.

I found one recently--had to get in. Her office is close to work. They got me in within 2 days.

But, MY WORD--she's pushy!!!!

And I'm annoyed. When I tell a doctor, nurse, and the phlibotomus (sp?) that I JUST ate--and they do a blood test--

And my results are actually NORMAL--but a "little off"--

But NORMAL--cause I JUST ATE--and I told them that like 5 times.....

And then I get all these doctor's "lecture"--and wanting to see me back in a couple months--what--for NORMAL results....

I really just want to find a new doctor.

I mean--I check my blood sugar a couple times a month (it's always been normal)--Why?

So I can tell off the doctor's who start lecturing!!!

They NEVER find out my medical history---

Or what or why I do what I do.

Most just "assume"--run in, run out--do not listen--and then JUDGE!!!!

Yup--you're right!!! I don't weigh "nothing"--I NEVER have!!!

But--did you ever think to ask me about my "eating disorder" history--and that perhaps I avoid scales FOR A REASON????? Perhaps I DON'T COUNT CALORIES FOR A REASON?????

Is it frustating? Sometimes--but it's life.

Did she ever think to ask me about my feet, that desperately need surgery--but which I CANNOT AFFORD--NOR HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HAVE TIME TO DO SO CAUSE "LIFE" HAS TAKEN OVER????

And the permanent shin splints and other issues--which mean that I USED to be able to do aerobics--and now all I basically can do is walk and Yoga???

Ya--and they NEVER consider all the medications I'm on--how I've purposely chosen to go on them, and stay on them cause weight gain with them is "slower"--doesn't mean it doesn't happen--it's just not as extreme as other options. Yup--and how I PAY OUT OF THE NOSE TO STAY ON THEM CAUSE THE INSURANCE COMPANIES DON'T LIKE TO COVER THEM COMPLETELY????

Yup--the NEVER ask those things. They just assume the minute they see me that I'm "lazy" (ya--WHATEVER!!!), or eat a million calories a day.

But ya--I did actually eat lunch that day--less than 1 hour before. Thus, my levels of everything were "normal"--for someone WHO HAD JUST EATEN!!!!

Yup--still on the look out for a new doctor. Wish I could find one who just doesn't lecture--but actually LISTENS--and does not ASSUME the minute they see me that a large chested curvy woman is not just what they ASSUME and JUDGE her to be!!!!

P.S. I think the next Dr. I go to I'm going to use my new title--cause somehow they get impressed and shut up a little when I tell them my name started with "Dr."!!!

Thankful

I am very thankful for many things. Thanksgiving typically helps remind me of such things. But--the last 2 weeks have had some "drama"--which honestly has left me with a not so thankful time lately. It happens....

But--I thought I would write a little list to celebrate this--one of my most favorite holidays:

1. I'm grateful for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It's a favorite of mine!! I've never been able to have a Thanksgiving without it--nor do I want to in the future. It's a little different the last couple years watching it life streaming on-line. But--I still enjoy it!

2. I'm grateful to have grown up in a Ward with loving, supportive people--and who continue to be!

3. I'm grateful for my family--even when they're drama!

4. I'm SO grateful for the help I got last year Spiritually to deal with all the changes that needed to occur!

5. I'm SO grateful for a new opportunity (job), wonderful people to work with, and just, wonderful in general!

6. I'm VERY grateful for a new place to live--which "feels like home"!!!

7. I'm VERY grateful for new "home"--with a washing machine that doesn't stink--and carpet to go with!

8. I'm grateful for things that keep working, and working--truly blessings from above!

9. I'm grateful to be moving closer to my goal of adopting!

10. I'm grateful for nieces and nephews who love me even though their "pre-Christmas" presents were clothes (oh--the tears! The toys will come later guys!!!) And for their snuggles and hugs!

11. I'm very grateful for a testimony in the Lord--and for being guided by the Spirit, even when other people don't "get" it--or question me. Even when people's reactions to doing what the Spirit says to do are not positive. I'm still grateful to do what the Lord and the Spirit says to do--and just try to remind myself of Joseph and Emma--who followed the spirit even when some of their own family members (Emma more than Joseph) told them they were crazy and wrong!

There are thousands of other things I'm so grateful for!!! I could go on and on and on! But--those are my top 11 tonight!

Why...

It's very odd in this world. We often ask the question "why?".

Like 5 year olds exploring their new universe--we ask the universe "why?".

What is odder still--is sometimes knowing--at least in part--"why?"

Why is my mother dying--for example.

Most would say "well--you can't know why." Or "It's just the Lord's time".

But--there are a few things I know--or at least know in part.

For example--this is not the first time my mother has "almost" died. Ya--that's been "going on" since I was 13.

Obviously it wasn't her time then---but I can tell you this.

Because of employers---and insurance companies--who would rather save a buck than ensure patient's safety--and create completely insane policies to line their pockets--while allowing permanent damage to occur to people like my mother.

Yep--that would be one of the reasons "why" my mom is dying--at least in part.

Further--because of doctors. Doctors who don't do full research--who believe one lousy research study--and follow supposed "protocols" while ignoring past drug success--and take people, like my mother, off of medications that are working to stave off a new "attack" of cancer. Oh--and let's not forget the doctor who did not refer my mother to a specialist when I was 13--leading to my mother almost dying--oh, and the doctor treating her now, who NEVER asked why she was limping--nor pried, nor paid attention!!!

Yep--that would be one of the reasons "why" my mom is dying--at least in part.

And further--because of this "Mormon" martyr ideal--this ideal out there that it is better to put one's life on the line than go into debt--even medical debt. Because of the corporations (including corporate church), and banks, and so on and so forth. Because of every last time it's been banged in my parent's heads that they should do 'everything possible" to avoid debt--my mom is dying!

And even further--because of the refusal to pay attention to one's own body--and do what it says. Because of the refusal to get help, when one needs to. Because of the absolute fear of financial problems--the denial of medical problems. Yep--ALL of these are WHY my mother is dying.

Some people would look at my list here and say "well--of course you want to find something or someone to blame". Or--"well--anger is normal"---

To them I say--you have NO idea what it is like to KNOW--to KNOW the why!!!

Sometimes (and yes, I've had 2 grandparents who have died from cancer)--it is honestly easier to not know the "whys"!!! Then you can just, with faith, say "cause it was their time to go."

But no--it's much harder to know why--and to know that if people had cared more, had paid more attention, had put people first before policies and lining their own pocket--and even if my own mother had put her health before her fears---

That likely my mother would not be dying now. That likely she would not be on chemo again--that likely the cancer would not have spread as badly in the first place.

That likely--the outcome would have been better.

Ya--sometimes it's nicer to not know the "why"s!!!

Can't Miss...

What you've never had.

It's interesting--I've seen times in life when this is somewhat true.

Now, granted--before I was 15--before my family had a VCR--yes--I "wanted" a VCR.

So--yes--we can certainly COVET what we don't have.

But--what I've learned is that coveting or "wanting" is different than missing.

I think we've all experienced wanting things we don't have, wanting experiences we've never experienced, and desiring what someone else has--cause we don't have it.

BUT--I've learned this--that often we don't realize --as in we don't "miss" what we don't have--until after we've had it.

Last year, around this time of year (actually--I think it was closer to Christmas, cause I was gone from "up north" where I was living)....

I checked my phone--and saw that I had a message. So, I listened to it.

I was 10 plus hours away--so there was really nothing I could do.

But--a friend "up north" asked me if there was any way that I could sit with a woman who was newly separated--getting a divorce.

She was feeling lonely.

Unfortunately--I really couldn't do anything--so I let the friend know.

But--I realized that--although I could be compassionate--I may not have been the right person to do this.

See--I've never been married. Sure--I've wanted to be married--I've coveted other people being married, and certainly I know how it feels to be lonely (although, much to the confusion of MANY especially LDS people--just because I live by myself does not typically mean that I feel lonely. And even married people can feel and be lonely in the same room with their spouse)---

But--I do not know how it feels to have a spouse--and then not have a spouse. I suppose I can "imagine"--but there are quite a few components of this I don't know that I'll ever understand.

Earlier this week someone caring told me that I "am not the typical LDS woman". I laughed.

As anyone who reads this blog regularly should know--the "life path" I'm on is definitely not where I "imagined" myself at 14--or 20--or 26 for that matter (although by 26 the "dream" had definitely been evolving).

I always expected to be the "typical" LDS woman. Don't know that I ever have been--nor was ever meant to be.

But--it makes me laugh cause of the stereotypes reinforced by such a comment--as well as the reality of how many LDS women are not "typical"--and even those of my friends who are--many are not "typical"--cause I know them.

But--still--I have learned a few things over the years. And I do think these things make me different. Here are a few:

--I can do A LOT. I've built furniture, hooked up appliances, fixed cars, or coordinated the fixing of cars, earned money, watched the hard earned money go out the door in bills, worked what feels like 24-7, and so forth. And this was BEFORE I moved out of my parent's home to get a Ph.D.!!!!

--Now--this does not mean I LOVE doing everything--I don't. Thus--I've had to find ways to "do it". Sometimes it means earning more money--working more than one job. Begging for help--etc. Sometimes it means going without--or understanding that the dirt doesn't move. If the house is dirty--it stays dirty. It will wait for you.

--I do not "need a man" to be happy. In fact, my personal life experience has been the opposite of that statement (as in I've found in the past that life was happier without certain men). Would I love a supporting, loving husband? Sure!!! Who wouldn't. But--not all men are that. And not all women are either. So--there u go!

--I think one of the biggest things that may make me different than SOME LDS women is that I have not waited for a "man" to have a life. There are actually many LDS women like me. But--I know I've had more than one woman and man comment to me about that. But a) this had never been my reality; b)I don't think I'm that patient to obtain some of my dreams; and c) I've learned through out this that the Lord will help me, and protect me--whether I'm married or single. So--really--I don't know what it would feel like to have "waited". It's never been what needed to occur in my life.

Anyway--I feel like I'm babbling. But-- I guess my point is--that the phone call I wrote about earlier opened up my eyes a little bit. I've never lived in a world where I would understand what it would feel like to have a spouse, than not have a spouse. I don't miss it--cause I've never had it. I see this as a blessing for me. Not so sure that others see it as a blessing--but likely that's cause they've "had" what I haven't.

Interesting thoughts I ponder in the middle of the night, aye? Good night!

Music

I so want to vent right now. A very famous person whose name starts with an "O" once said "you teach people how to treat you." I believe this is true and not true at the same time.

But--rather then venting vaguely tonight like I typically do--I'm going to blog about music.

Di you know that the Lord--or the Spirit--communicates to me sometimes via music?

Now--many know that a good song, hymn, etc can give you chills, bring in the Spirit, etc.

But I mean--there are times in my life when literally I've received answers to prayers via songs.

Music is more important to me than even I've recognized before. Did you know that when I was initially dealing with depression, I stopped singing. I would drive home from work--turn on the radio--and not sing. I originally didn't notice. I often have songs (happy songs, hymns, annoying songs that never leave my head) running through my mind. When I was dealing with that time period in life, there were no songs in my head. I remember after starting treatment--that once I hit about the 4-6 week point I started to notice that I had not been listening to music! I all of a sudden had music in my mind again--on a regular basis. I had not even realized it wasn't there--until after I started treatment. Since then I've noticed more and more how my mental and physical health can be measured based on that truth.

I've also noticed that sometimes the right song just seems to be "sent" at the right time to me. I do give the credit for the music being sent at just the right time to the Lord.

Oh--and yes--I've dedicated songs to the young men I've had to, um, deal with in life. Typically there was a positive song to start off with. And a negative song in the end.

I won't give examples of those.

But--here's a couple examples of songs that have been answers or just come at the right time. What I find interesting is that often the song is not a hymn or "Church" song. Instead a song just from "everyday".

When I was trying to balance getting a PhD, 2-3 jobs, and helping my sister's family this song was always VERY comforting:

http://youtu.be/lydBPm2KRaU

Even though this song is by an LDS singer--and is about divorce--this song has answered more than one prayer. It's actually a theme for my future adoption. I love the message--that the Lord knows the "why"--and will solve the problems we can't solve here. He will tend all the thousands of broken branches we make in this world--and our love (my future kiddos) will be a circle--even if I can't explain how the Lord will "bridge the gaps between all things we can't explain". I also love how she turns it to all of us in the end--that we are all part of the Lord's "Family Tree"!!!

http://youtu.be/XkaKQK00-I0

This song has a particularly significant message to me. As I returned to "tundra land" last year, after receiving the surprising answer that the Lord wanted me to "move"-literally as I drove through a frozen tundra--I laid out for the Lord every last problem--every last issue, every last reason why "this" was bad timing, a bad idea, and so forth. I tried to give it to the Lord--I desperately pleaded that somehow he would make the miracle occur which I knew was going to have to occur (which has occurred). Nothing "made sense" to me. It was not my first, nor my last desperate plea, nor my lowest moment (although it was pretty close). I had heard this song numerous times over the first semester of last year. It always brought me comfort. But--literally as I was driving over the "bluff"--this song came in--right as I completed my plea. I knew immediately that it was my answer--that this was "temporary". I recognized that the Lord had been telling me this all along--but that I had been trying so hard to "make it work"--that I wasn't "hearing" the song.

Here's the most interesting part. I heard this song a couple more times before I moved. I basically have not heard it since. Tonight (and I'm choosing to hear it--it's not coming on the radio randomly like it did last year)is the first time I've heard it since moving "south". I find that personally not a "circumstance".

Perhaps I haven't heard it as much since because I haven't needed it as much--and perhaps it is because now the last part is the harder part--while dealing with my mom's terminal cancer. I love the message--but not the "temporary" part right now.

http://youtu.be/LraOiHUltak

A couple weeks ago--in a desperate day--I went for a drive. It was a beautiful drive--right as fall was starting. I prayed and prayed. I needed comfort. I put in a new album I'd had for weeks--but had not listened to yet. An album by my favorite country artist. I heard the first verse and started to weep. This song still brings me the exact comfort I need. You cannot tell me it's not inspired--and that the Lord did not "plan" that. I know He did.

http://youtu.be/sqI-QUheGKs

And then--there was last night. My answers last night were different. heck--yesterday was different. Not really though. I've had to play this "role" before. It sucks--but such is life. But--as "O" said-sometimes people teach us how to treat them. If they didn't want me to play the role--they'd change. It sucks for me--but I refuse to stand by and "just watch" mistreatment occur. That is if there is anything I can do...ya--it sucks!

So--these were the 2 songs from last night. Not really funny--but true! And oddly comforting last night.

http://youtu.be/1M7pCS6Jpho

My favorite part is: "behind every woman scorned, is a man who made her that way". I know she is talking about cheating--but , in general, it's true. Typically if you find a pretty "damaged" woman--you can almost always find a man who was the one who "made her that way". Pretty sad, really!

And this one--ya--I love having to be "mean"--because the other person was worse. It sucks--and I have to take the "blame"--but this song did make me feel a little better. Especially the "someday I'll be living in a big old city, and all you're ever going to be is mean"--oh--and the "the cycle ends right now". Ya--I hate sending the "cycle ends" message--but it seems to be the "lot" in my life!

Oddly comforting...

http://youtu.be/jYa1eI1hpDE

It's really hard to watch "mean" people turn themselves into lonely, narcisistic people. Such is my "curse".

So--sorry to end on a soury note. But my heart is hurting too much today to not do so. I'm grateful the Lord can get through to me via music--even when nothing else is "getting through".

Happy (I hope) listening!

Free Advertising

So--I've found some items recently that are awesome!!! And although I'd love to get paid for advertising (so I can add it to the adoption grant for Denny especially)--I'm providing free advertising today!

Here is the first:

I LOVE this product. Next to the automatic shower cleaner--this is one of the great things Scrubbing Bubbles has made!!! Plus--it needs no batteries!!! 2 sprays a day, and you have a clean toilet (at least on the inside) for SO much longer!!! So worth the money, in my book!

When I was moving into my new city this summer--I noticed that this was under construction. Oh yum!!! Ya--it's a buffet--but still!!! I've already been 3 times (have to wait to afford it most of the time)--but it's so nice to go. People are usually friendly--and it's just nice to be able to go somewhere that you know you're going to get food that tastes good, and to have a choice of what you want. The new chocolate dipping fountains are really cool too!

If you asked me 2 places or things I missed the most up north--it would probably have been being close to a Chick-fil-A and a Big Lots!!! Now I'm close to both!!! And, a friend of mine blogged about this truly holy yummy shake about a week ago! Oh My, YUM!!! Just the right amount of peppermint, with peppermint candy mixed in AND just the right amount of chocolate!!! I had one this weekend--it was SO good!!! To all of you not close to a Chick-fil-A--I feel sorry for you!!! And for those of you near one, go get one of these shakes!!!

I'd also like to say, yes, I've finally jumped on the Picassa band wagon. Yes, I'm a couple years late! But--I finally downloaded it--and LOVE it. I like Piknic--which is online--but Picassa offers so much more with a free download on your computer!

Awesome!!

Okay--so soon I'll have some advertisements from some of my favorite crafting blogs (that I've purchased most especially for Christmas)--but there's some free advertisement for you for now! Enjoy!

People....

Did you know, that when I was around 2 my grandmother caught me playing with dolls, and crying "at" them.

Yep--"at" them. She watched me for a few minutes, and realized that I was very frustrated with them....because those dolls (who were typically representative of people in my imaginative brain) were NOT behaving. They were frustrating me, because they were not "getting" "it"--whatever the heck "it" was.

Fast forward 30 some-odd years later. And sometimes I have week like I have this week.

It sounds mean--judgemental--perhaps even self-righteous of me.

But on weeks like this most of what my mom hears when I call her is "what year is it again?" and "Why are we (meaning the overall "we" on this planet or in this nation) still dealing with this stupidity? With this mis-information?

And WHY are there those whom are supposed to be more "highly" educated still passing on misinformation and poor examples?

This is especially true within my "profession" and passion of educating adolescents with disabilities, and educating their future teachers. AND educating the greater public as a whole about the true potential of people!

I have high expectations. I have seen "best practices" in life, in school, in Church, happen. And I expect others to "be" there--or at least be "getting" there as quickly as possible.

Instead, as is typical with most major "social" changes, change happens sometimes as slow as paint drying!

I've been told before that it's good that I am impatient. That those like me who work in this field, and have this passion, need a certain amount of impatience.

But--on weeks like this....I find it hard to not roll my eyes at people, tell people to wise up, and bluntly say "What year is it again? Why should this be taking so long?"

And--I have to add--that this is especially true in my Church. I grew up seeing the "ideal". Not that my "home" Ward was anywhere near perfect. Believe me....it was not. BUT...I saw children with significant disabilities fully included at Church and as much as possible in the neighborhood since I was in nursery (yes--starting in the 70's!!!) I started volunteering in a full inclusive preschool when I was 11!!! In the 80's people!!! So, when "professionals" (yes--I'm using that term lightly) tell me that things like full inclusion and things like Person First Language are "new"--I bluntly say back "only if 20-30 years is new!" --and again--I say "What year is it?"

I still stand by by believe/testimony: that the Church I belong to should be a leader in this area (fully including people with disabilities) in their home wards and branches--we should be "beyond" the "learning curve"--not behind it.

P.S. Did you also know, that when I was around 2 years old, I used to go outside and work and work how to swing on a swing outside (it was like a glider swing--not a swing swing). I would fall on my bottom over and over again. Sometimes the glider would smack me in the head. I would be crying and crying. But I'd get up over and over again, and try over and over again, until I figured out how to swing on it--and "got "it" done".

Yea--that little girl grew up. And didn't lose that determination. Believe me--just ask my mom! Should I say watch out world???