Zen?

So--the last 3 days have been interesting at best.

Let's just say, I've had to "zen" (for lack of a better word?) civil rights leaders from the past. No--I'm not kidding.

Lovely to say--I found relief and wonderful blessings in this blessed place I'm at and working!!!!

It's been tense, dramatic (on a personal level), scary, sweet, and now we are just praying....

That it will truly all work out--and "right will win".

So--really--right now I'm kind of spent, kind of procrastinating....kind of....

Praying, praying, praying :)

Why is it comforting?

So....

We're coming upon an important anniversary soon....

And by we--I mean all of "we".

Every year for the last 10, I've tried to find a way to honor this anniversary.

And, oddly enough--remembering, reviewing, even watching in order to remember and review is oddly....comforting?

It's oddly comforting that "we" experienced it...and remember it all.

This reality has struck me every year...and it's striking me again.

I don't really know why I'm blogging about it now.

I have nothing more to comment about than what I said above.

I remember last year I was pondering if it could even be recalled what it was like "before".

Recently my little relative starting asking me questions about "what was around when I was little?"

Was there electricity (um...ya babe!)

What were phones like (they used to be attached to the wall, you know!)

I remember when I was teaching, trying to grasp that I had students who were born after the wall came down.

In fact, many adults now were born after that historical event.

So--how to describe (when asked) "what was it like before?"

Do I remember? Do I want to (it's painful, you know what I mean....and I didn't lose like some did)....

Anyway...sorry to get all philisophical....just what I've been pondering on lately.

I pray comfort will be given to those whom need it the most!

That night...

I had forgotten a to buy a present.

To be honest--I had not really had time.....and then consciously chose to put off buying anything....

I had given money for the shower gift....I can't remember now if I went---

I don't think I did.

But, yet again...she was 19, he barely 22.

And to Ogden they were going--to be sealed.

I was happy for them...somewhere.

But mainly, mainly all I felt was pain. Horrible, indescribable pain.

My mom asked me that night if I was going to go with them.

Ya--that's what I wanted to do. At around 25 years old or so--I wanted yet again to get into the back seat of my parent's car

And go stare at someone else's line,

Someone else's dress...

Someone else's dream coming true....

So--I told her no...I was going to take my sad car a little after they left...

Especially since my father is notorious for being way beyond on time...

So...once it was dark outside...my younger sister refused to go with me.

I got in my car and set off.

Stopped at the ATM...I had a blank card.

And....I drove. I can't even remember now if I drove by the reception.

I think I did...I think I even pulled into the parking lot.

And drove around...

In tears

And then...I was angry---furious.

And, I left--I high tailed it out of there.

I felt dangerous. I felt like I wanted to take a risk.

Instead I drove around the east side in tears.

I got lost on Highland Drive, and 1300 East.

I drove downtown...and got lost there too.

And I cried, and yelled--yelled in prayer.

I was furious....I was angry.

Why? Why did "everyone" else get it...and I got "screwed"?

Why? What had I ever done wrong?

I had worked so hard, still was working hard (still am).

I had tried everything in the last many years I could think of.

I had begged for dates, asked out, pleaded in prayer...

Changed myself, gone to a Single's Ward I hated, prayed, and prayed...

I'd said yes the few rare times I'd been asked out. I even "bought" a date once.

I tried to learn how to flirt. I tried and tried and tried.

I laid this all out for the Lord. Through clenched and grinding teeth.

And I asked in frustration "What am I supposed to do?"

The answer did not come that day.....I believe I even took another frustrated drive (although then it was out of anxiety and fear, and desperation that the Lord would help me figure out how to "get out" of the state I was so tired of being in (in more ways than one)....

But--the reality started that day. I began figuring it out.

It was not about me...I had done nothing wrong.

I came home that night tear stained, and some how--blessed with peace.

NOT peace that my dreams would "come true"

But that the Lord would relieve my pain. Lighten my loads--but not take away my burden....

And...I can sit here and testify that He has.

I no longer live close enough to attend the receptions.

As much as I'm happy for people...and love to send gifts and good wishes.

My load has been lightened. Made easier to bare.

I've learned through this...though...to live the Lord's plan...His dream.

I still have a lot to do....a ways to go....(don't we all?)

But..what He began to show me that day, was that my road was different.

It was away from the "customs" and "traditions" that plagued me.

It was mainly further away from the "culture" I resented because of the pain it (and people who have a hard time accepting anything but what the "culture" says they should have)caused me and so many others whose lives are not ideal.

I've even been blessed to at least know a partial reason why.

Is there still pain? Heck ya!!! I find it appalling when people judgingly look at me, assuming I CHOSE this life.

I don't know what happened in the life before this....whether we "chose" our trials. But I personally believe that the Lord's plans for us were made for us...not chosen by us. We chose to come here....we chose to be valiant--and accept whatever that would bring into our lives.

But...what the Lord let me know that day, was that it was NOT my fault. HE knew the whole story...beginning to end. AND HE was whom mattered...

Not anyone else.

So...tonight...I wish the newleyweds a wonderful party, I'm grateful they've had a beautiful day...

And hope to send a gift once I have money again.

But...I'm grateful I did what the Lord wanted me to do. To follow His plan for me...

Not anyone else's vision. For His is the one I am supposed to follow...and THAT is what is important in the end!!!

Started Anew

I got an amazing opportunity today...

To begin anew.

There are many reasons why--which I won't explain here.

But--this poem came to mind dozens of times to me today.

I can testify--as my life seems to testify this just by the situations I've been placed in

That this poem is so true!!! There is SUCH a difference when people say "that's my job" instead of

"That's Not My Job"

--and I can see the difference--quickly, quietly--yet strongly.

Life is hard enough without people ignoring--

That just a little work--

Just a little time---

Can make the BIGGEST difference.

I'm not saying I'm perfect at this--cause I'm not (who is?)

But there is a difference between not being "perfect"

And pretty blatent indifference.

Today--I am so blessed!! I was blessed before--

But--today I know that people can be amazing!

That people can be awesome!!!

And that people can follow the Spirit!!!

Thank you to all of you who have!!!

If I think about it too much--I fall into happy tears!!!

Thank you to He who is in control!

Here is the poem. Unfortunately--when I checked it out--the author seems to be Unknown.

But I did check it out--to make sure I crossed all the copyright t's and dotted all the i's!

"That's Not My Job"

"This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have."

Author :Unknown

Here is what I've learned: When the answer is "They should have done this"--and yet no one can name whom They are--it's a sign!!!

After a week like this....

Much fear is amongering.....

Much despair all around...

And yet--after a week like this....

This is what the Lord has brought to my mind.

May we remember that someone before us--

Has already paid the price..felt our pain.

He can bless us with peace..and knows the hard times!

Now--go forth and help others...like this video says--wish we all would!