That night...

I had forgotten a to buy a present.

To be honest--I had not really had time.....and then consciously chose to put off buying anything....

I had given money for the shower gift....I can't remember now if I went---

I don't think I did.

But, yet again...she was 19, he barely 22.

And to Ogden they were going--to be sealed.

I was happy for them...somewhere.

But mainly, mainly all I felt was pain. Horrible, indescribable pain.

My mom asked me that night if I was going to go with them.

Ya--that's what I wanted to do. At around 25 years old or so--I wanted yet again to get into the back seat of my parent's car

And go stare at someone else's line,

Someone else's dress...

Someone else's dream coming true....

So--I told her no...I was going to take my sad car a little after they left...

Especially since my father is notorious for being way beyond on time...

So...once it was dark outside...my younger sister refused to go with me.

I got in my car and set off.

Stopped at the ATM...I had a blank card.

And....I drove. I can't even remember now if I drove by the reception.

I think I did...I think I even pulled into the parking lot.

And drove around...

In tears

And then...I was angry---furious.

And, I left--I high tailed it out of there.

I felt dangerous. I felt like I wanted to take a risk.

Instead I drove around the east side in tears.

I got lost on Highland Drive, and 1300 East.

I drove downtown...and got lost there too.

And I cried, and yelled--yelled in prayer.

I was furious....I was angry.

Why? Why did "everyone" else get it...and I got "screwed"?

Why? What had I ever done wrong?

I had worked so hard, still was working hard (still am).

I had tried everything in the last many years I could think of.

I had begged for dates, asked out, pleaded in prayer...

Changed myself, gone to a Single's Ward I hated, prayed, and prayed...

I'd said yes the few rare times I'd been asked out. I even "bought" a date once.

I tried to learn how to flirt. I tried and tried and tried.

I laid this all out for the Lord. Through clenched and grinding teeth.

And I asked in frustration "What am I supposed to do?"

The answer did not come that day.....I believe I even took another frustrated drive (although then it was out of anxiety and fear, and desperation that the Lord would help me figure out how to "get out" of the state I was so tired of being in (in more ways than one)....

But--the reality started that day. I began figuring it out.

It was not about me...I had done nothing wrong.

I came home that night tear stained, and some how--blessed with peace.

NOT peace that my dreams would "come true"

But that the Lord would relieve my pain. Lighten my loads--but not take away my burden....

And...I can sit here and testify that He has.

I no longer live close enough to attend the receptions.

As much as I'm happy for people...and love to send gifts and good wishes.

My load has been lightened. Made easier to bare.

I've learned through this...though...to live the Lord's plan...His dream.

I still have a lot to do....a ways to go....(don't we all?)

But..what He began to show me that day, was that my road was different.

It was away from the "customs" and "traditions" that plagued me.

It was mainly further away from the "culture" I resented because of the pain it (and people who have a hard time accepting anything but what the "culture" says they should have)caused me and so many others whose lives are not ideal.

I've even been blessed to at least know a partial reason why.

Is there still pain? Heck ya!!! I find it appalling when people judgingly look at me, assuming I CHOSE this life.

I don't know what happened in the life before this....whether we "chose" our trials. But I personally believe that the Lord's plans for us were made for us...not chosen by us. We chose to come here....we chose to be valiant--and accept whatever that would bring into our lives.

But...what the Lord let me know that day, was that it was NOT my fault. HE knew the whole story...beginning to end. AND HE was whom mattered...

Not anyone else.

So...tonight...I wish the newleyweds a wonderful party, I'm grateful they've had a beautiful day...

And hope to send a gift once I have money again.

But...I'm grateful I did what the Lord wanted me to do. To follow His plan for me...

Not anyone else's vision. For His is the one I am supposed to follow...and THAT is what is important in the end!!!