I'm Tired....

Okay...

You know, I'm tired. Really tired. And frustrated, and annoyed, and a whole slew of feelings. But mainly tired.

Why is it that I love having people come to visit...but hate it all in the same breath? Why is it that no matter what I do, nothing changes (okay...I know the answer to that one...or at least one of them.) But more so, why is it that I am expected to put up with the crap and never get upset....yet he's allowed (or at least thinks he is) to act like a child, scream, never ask but just assume, and throw tantrums? I'm seriously tired of it. I'm 32 years old....yet still placed in that horrible awful positions I always was as a teenager by him (no, this is not a "man"---this is a parent). And the things I hate most of all, is that the other parent (the female one) always has to be put in the middle. Well, she unfortunately enables it, avoids conflict like it was the plague. On the one hand I'm glad they're some how happy together. On the other, how can she put up with being treated like she's not there, nor important because of his OCD and so forth? Seriously? And how can they act like this is how marriage is supposed to work?


There's so much more to it, and not. It's just so frustrating. And the worst, is that it makes me happy I'm single, yet sickly lonely all at the same time. It frustrates me to death. I must admit a certain amount of jealousy toward those with more functionality (or at least more health) in this area. I can't tell you how often I wished I could believe in trust, especially with the opposite. Perhaps it's why I can feel such empathy for weird people who've gone through what I've gone through...or something similar. I just wish that it could be understood that my life doesn't stop cause they come to visit, it's my house, so it IS my rules, that I want them to come, but need him to change. Not just for a little while....but permanently. Forever. Always. I need to see that this is possible.

Oye...I need a nap. And really miss the cooking...which is terribly selfish. And her company. It all just sucks....that's all there is to it.

But, the truly worst thing....is that I have a friend who is going through the worst hell there is right now...because no one talked about such things. No one got it out there, especially possibly the person who needed it the most. I wish it was different. I wish people would not be so stubborn, so selfish, so self-absorbed...and get the help they so desperately need. Our lives so influence and effect everyone else's....some so permanently.

J. Mayer is right. Fathers be good to your daughters. Daughters WILL love like you do (or NOT love). Daughters are (or can be) lovers, who turn into mothers. So mothers be good to your daughters too!!!! PLEASE!

And yes, I hope this is vague enough.