Beyond Me....

I've had a lot of important thoughts running through my head this week about what to write this week on this blog.

I thought about writing about how I just don't accept "ignorance" as an excuse. I don't care if people are ignorant--cause really, don't we choose (for the most part) to be (or stay) ignorant? So, when I get that excuse of "well, they weren't trying to be offensive, they were just ignorant (especially about people with disabilities) I just want to say that ignorance is not a good excuse. It's 2012! It doesn't mean any of us are perfectly knowledgeable, but in this day and age, for those of us who are basically well educated anyway--do we really have the right to use the excuse of "ignorance"?

OR

I thought about blogging about politics--and about consequences--and about how there seem to be those who think they shouldn't have to face consequences--and those of us who realize that consequences are part of the plan--and make EVERYTHING conditional (including love, thank you!). But--then I thought better of opening the political "can of worms".

So--instead I'm going to write about things beyond me. I learned something this week--about how someone else has been treated. Someone who is different than me. And I was reminded yet again that there are some things that are just beyond me.

I just can't fathom how others can honestly be "that" way. It's not that any of us are perfectly not guilty of believing a stereotype. I think everyone has likely been guilty of assumptions and even some amount of prejudice.

BUT--I guess what is beyond me, is that I was raised to recognize these (assumptions that turn into prejudice) in myself, and CORRECT them!!!! And, my assumptions didn't have to be proven wrong in order to correct myself.

So--it's just beyond me how other people can be such the opposite of this.

Now--don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that this is beyond me!

But--I just can't fathom it. It's like (in my mind)--on one level my brain "gets" it--but on another (the higher level, I suppose)--it just doesn't.

Now--to turn that "beyond me" on it's side:

Have you ever experienced a time, physical health wise, where something was "beyond" you?

Where the physical problems you were experiencing were just beyond your ability to "overcome" alone?

I have--more than once.

It's an interestingly hard experience. Luckily, each time I was able to find the treatment I needed to solve the problem (the last one I experienced, though, the treatment was pretty darn expensive--it involved moving! Oye!)

Anyway--I was pondering this as I was walking today--and remembered being a teenager.

See--at one point as a teenager, I gave in. I was so convinced that I was not beautiful enough, skinny enough, and of enough worth--that I needed to "fix" my physical appearance by giving into a horrible addiction (meaning--not a d r u g addiction--but an addiction involved with food, purging, etc).

I had yet to "give in"--but I had tried. But this day--as I attempted to give in--something happened. Through my tears--I heard a voice--luckily it was the Spirit.

And you know what it said "There are more important things than this". As I looked in the mirror, it said it again "There are MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN THIS!!!"

And--I realized what I was being told.

See--knowing myself, it could have been easy to give into the obsession. And the "opposition" LOVES for us to obsess, and distracting us from what is important for us to do here on this earth.

But, there are more important things for us all to do.

So--I started to research, and learn. Even though I had never been wholly successful, I realized that "eating disorder" was where I was at.

I read, and learned--and realized that I had to choose something different.

Do I feel lucky I never wholly "gave in". Yes--but, I have some ability to fathom the reality of these issues.

So now--I purposefully choose to NOT do specific things.

For example--I do not own a scale. When I've lived in houses with scales, I obsess.

I am aware of calories, but counting each of them can be dangerous for me. So I have to be very careful about that.

Because of other health issues, I cannot have an empty stomach without severe pain and consequences. Thus, I've had to accept who I am--every last molecule of myself.

AND--that although others may judge me as having a problem that is "beyond me" because I"m not "skinny"---I have learned to see beyond these judgements.

NOW--this is not easy--AT ALL. It means focusing on health--some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others. Some months--and some years--are better than others.

It means I have to recognize prejudice for what it is--and face that head on. But, by focusing on health--I have to give and have faith in the Lord--and that, as imperfect as my physical appearance may be to the world, that He will help me.

Thus--I eat, I exercise, I sleep. I watch and am careful about my health and health problems. Sometimes the problems (as in now) mean I have to make health choices others may judge. I have had to learn (and remind myself) that they don't know the whole story--and they don't matter.

But mostly--this has taught me that there are MORE IMPORTANT things than how we look, and even, how we feel. As I've grown through this experience--I've realized that what the Lord has been teaching me is that it's not about me--it's about Him. It's not that He does not want us to be healthy---but even health is not as important as doing what He wants, following the Commandments, and Following Him (having a mother with terminal cancer has helped me learn this as well. What is important at this point is not her health--as much as it has been and continues to be her choices in life).

So--in this month of "resolutions"--I remind myself that, although some of my health problems are "beyond me", that the Lord will help me with it all.

What a beautiful thing!

(P.S. Although with all of this--I must still admit that if I see one more signing WWer's comercial, I may just through something at J. Hudson! Can they just be done--cause it's getting annoying!)

Difficult

I'm sure I've blogged about this before.

But I hate it when people use "difficult" as an excuse.

I had to deal with that today--

With people who couldn't imagine that someone with a disability could do most any job--

Cause it would be "difficult"--

Big whoop--is what I say!

As if life is easy?

Some people just can't seem to fathom that there are people with all types of disabilities who do all types of jobs.

--that there are people with all types of disabilities who go to college, or raise families, who have independent, fulfilling lives.

I said today that if I had a specific disability that I would want people to know that I was capable and independent.

And some people looked at me amazed.

Oh my stupid!!! And "pity" full!!!!

It is when I just want to tell people "Who do you think you are? What, because life is hard, it should not be tried? Don't sit there and feel sorry for people, in your little "box" that tells you how the world is supposed to be!"

Get outside the box people--try Googling a little bit--and broaden your dumb mind!!!

The number one thing that holds back people with disabilities is NOT their disability--

It's other people's lousy and "pity" full attitudes!!!

And lack of ability to think outside their boring little boxes--and see HOW things could be, instead of how difficult they think it is or would be!

Thank you for letting me rant and rave! It's been that type of experience today!

Random.....everything?

My mind has been racing as of lately--pondering on a lot of subjects.

So many that I don't know if I can remember them all here.

I'll try to write about some of the "randomness"....

**I recently read one of my favorite blogs. The lady who writes it is very insightful. She is fighting skin cancer--she's at the "maintenance" level now. So--she gets a maintenance chemo about once a month.

She wrote about how sometimes she looks in the mirror--and does not recognize who she is.

She said, yes--some of this is cause of the chemo (although she is not bald, and the side-effects, luckily, have been reasonably minimal)--but still "poison shows through"--

It reminded me of recently reading about Shannon Miller.

For those who may not remember, she was a member of the "Magnificent 7" USA Women's Gymnastic team of 1996. This last year (2011) was the 15th anniversary of their gold medal win (YES--you read that right--FIFTEENTH!!!)

I was linked to her website, where she writes about her recent "battle" with ovarian cancer: http://shannonmillerlifestyle.com/

I really liked her website. Although she promotes healthy lifestyles, she isn't "in your face" and cruel about it.

Have you ever noticed how cruel supposed "healthy lifestyle (mainly weight loss) comercials and stuff like that are? And we let these incredibly inhumane and rude concepts rule our lives so much....ugh....

Anyway--I digress.

My point is--the thirties are an interesting decade.

At this time, my friends who had children in the 1990's have teenagers.

In fact--some of those teenagers are "future" college-student aged....

Even those who had children in 2000 will have 12 year old's this year.

And I look in the mirror--and think "How did that happen?".

I realize that many of my friends will be becoming grandparents, at the same time I'm finally becoming a parent. Little bit of an ugh...

I'm not sure if it makes me feel younger, or older?

My 30's have been eventful. Just in a very different way than most of my friends.

But, I agree with the blogger I wrote about--sometimes I look in the mirror--and go "hmmm--when did that happen?"

I don't typically ask "who is that"--I recognize myself very well.

But--I remember around about 31 looking in the mirror and going "wow--I look different....."--as the blogger talked about. It's not a bad thing--just something that we have to get used to---this "aging" thing.

I don't mind it--am not really afraid of it (although the gray hair is annoying!)--but it is kind of weird. It's like "wasn't I just 25?"

**I hate it when people say things, seemingly on purpose, to see my reaction. Especially when I think they want to see my reaction as a member of the LDS Church.

Part of this is because there are many circumstances in which I do not feel it is appropriate for me to voice my actual thoughts--mainly because it will just cause negativeness or contention. I typically wait until I either feel prompted to say something--or for a more opportune situation to say something.

I do stand for what is true--but I also feel it's important to not shove "truth" in other's faces--from my experience this typically leads to contention.

I try to follow what Elder Oaks says in this wonderful CES talk: http://lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2011/10/truth-and-tolerance?lang=eng

But--I also worry--I don't want others to assume that my silence in inopportune situations as acceptance of wrong.

Although--I suppose that since I still get those times when someone seems to be trying to "set off something" that perhaps my life choices and example is enough?

It is like Elder Oaks says--there is moral truth. Moral truth needs to be defended---but moral truths should not be forced, and negative treatment of those who believe differently typically does not promote good.

It's a very frustrating balance--and typically leads me to prayer--begging the Lord to help me know what to do and what to say--or when not to say something.

So--perhaps I just need to accept those times when my mind is blank, and I don't know what to say as a time that the Lord wants me to not set off contention?

The other part that is frustrating--is especially when someone comments about things they have NO idea about (i.e. issues in SLCity, for example--when they've never been there)--just cause I "raise an eyebrow" does not mean that I did so for the reason they assume. But--when they say it to try to possibly set off some kind of reaction from me (at least, that's how I feel)---I try to have no reaction--or minimal (raised eyebrow). Again, though--I just hope they don't assume this reaction means I agree with them--arg!

**I finally watched 17 Miracles. It was well done. This makes me happy. I'm grateful the Lord presents miracles (especially the visitation of angels) typically when we least expect it. Cause sometimes realizing how close we are to "others" is so comforting--and sometimes it just feels weird. I love one of the "out-takes"--one of the deleted scenes--where an angel appears to one of the sisters while she's struggling with her cart--and her look of "What the what?"

The other thing I like about the film is the representation of the "non-typical" situations--the person with a disability, the single mother who left her abusive husband, the little girl sent on her own, and so forth.

It's comforting to know that, in reality, many were in "non-typical" situations. It made me think of my great great great grandmother--who was a member of the same Willie party. She lost both her parents and her best friend on the trip. She was completely alone, with only a sister back in England who had also joined the Church--but did not come to the US for many more years.

Once she got to UT, she married and had a child with a man, and later was granted a divorce from Brigham Young. She (as far as we can tell) was not awarded full custody of her daughter. She later became a plural wife--but actually took on at least 9 children not her own because the man's first wife left him.

She bore at least 10 children. Before she became a plural wife she was a working mother (working outside of the home). She continued, of course, to be a working mother in the home all the rest of her life.

But--the movie made me think of how her life was certainly not "typical"--and perhaps we forget in this Church, how most of the early members lived very atypical lives--atypical from what many in the Church assume is the "norm".

It's comforting to me....to know this.

Especially as the "goal" is different now--to build "Zion" where we are--to seek out those who need the truth beyond the mountains of UT.

I've traveled those "roads" more than once now--between IA to UT--but typically I was going "backwards"--the opposite direction of my great great great grandmother.

It almost seems odd--that they gave up so much to get to UT--yet I think it's the way it was meant to be.

The Saints needed the time to "grow and learn" within the mountain "walls". And now, their posterity, needs to grow beyond the walls.

It's actually a beautiful thing, I think.

**Oh--and I feel really bad for Levi S. Man--he took on a lot of "blame" by just being honest about the risks. But, I do believe that each member had to consciously choose to stay the course--and they would not be able to make that decision consciously if he had not outlined specifically for them what risks they were truly taking. Just my opinion.

Okay--there's some of the randomness going on in my brain....

Annoying...what do you think?

So--the "best laid plans" typically don't happen.

This year I saved the tree and decorations to bring up to where the "fam" was all going to meet.

Yup--I didn't put up a tree--or any of my decorations.

At the time (throughout December) it all made sense.

I still had boxes everywhere--the house was a mess--and needed to be cleaned (which it beautifully was) before my parents came to stay for a couple days.

My mom is on her second life-time round of chemo--so clean is what we needed.

Well--of course--a kid in my sister's family came down with stomach flu--

Which mean they didn't come until late Christmas Day.

Which meant I had spent almost $200 to rent a condo for 1 day that I didn't get to "share".

Which meant we didn't bother putting the tree up--cause it was supposed to be where "Santa" was going to leave everything.....

So yup--I spent Christmas Day with no tree, no Santa, bored to anger literally.

I mean--love my parents--but spending Christmas Day with my bald sick mom---well--just reminded me of what future Christmas Days will mean....

I know--people not going through this same hell would say "seize the day"---but honestly--

I cursed cancer, cursed germs, cursed stomach flu, and cursed my sis and her husband who couldn't even get there early enough for the Christmas dinner I spent tons of money, and lots of time on.

I know--Christ would be calling me "Martha"---

Or would He be kindly giving me a hug and telling me He understands?


Anyway--so here's the annoying....

I feel like I've been cheated.

I've definitely learned a lesson. I'm not saving the Christmas Tree for any "best laid" plans next year--even if it's incredibly difficult to find time (and a clean place) to put it up next year.

Oh--and I'm NOT spending a fortune on a condo or Christmas Dinner next year--who knows--I may end up with just my "own" best laid plans for the actual days.

What's honestly annoying--is that I've noticed the older I get--the more I hate the actual Day of Christmas.

Love the lead up--don't even despise the "lead down" the week after (although yes, that "lost and where are we going feeling" is still there.

I actually was glad earlier this month--thinking that emotionally putting up the tree would be too hard this year--without the nieces and nephew to take my mind off of everything.

But now--well, this is annoying--but do you think it would be weird to get home and put the tree up?

I mean-- I had it up last year until February (never ever thought I'd be one of "those" people--but last year I just did not have the energy to take it down until the end of February--and most of January I was not in the state where the tree was....)

Cause honestly--I missed the tree--and find it offensive that after being cheated out of the "tree"--to not get one until next year.

What do you think?

I See Thestrals Christmas Club

I've been planning on posting this post again for quite a long time. Anyone who knows me really well knows that Christmas is NOT my favorite holiday. Since I was about 11 it's not been a favorite. There are many different reasons why. What is written below is only one of them.

I waited to post this, because most people either ARE or TRY to be really positive throughout the Christmas season--"Cherry"--I suppose.

Christmas Day this year was yet another reminder of what "isn't"---of how I never thought "it would ever be". I hate that---truly. I can say that since making the firm decision and knowing firmly that the Lord wanted me to seek out an orphan from the other side of the world--I have yet again found the "hope" people speak of during Christmas.

But--until I have "one of my own"--Christmas day is just a reminder of what "isn't"--not what "is". People who try to be "loving" love to remind people like me to "just have faith" and all other types of blah---even to the point of threatening that if "you just had testimony enough you would feel happy on Christmas". It's all a bunch of bunk. I have testimony. I know why we celebrate Christmas. But--I try to remember the purpose of Christmas all throughout the year--not just on or around Christmas. I can feel His Spirit everyday. Remember--He said He'd "lighten" our burdens--not completely take them away. So--on Christmas Day--sometimes it's all I can do to get "through it". I think anyone who is counting down the "last Christmases" of a precious loved one--not knowing how many more she/he have.....would probably feel the same.

P.S. My mother is now not surviving the same cancer my friend's mother died of. Ya--the thestrals continue....




This entry is not meant to be cherry. It won't be "Merry Christmas-sy". It won't be "paint a smile on your face" happy. Just a warning.

A dear, sweet friend of mine recently wrote an absolutely beautiful letter to her mother on her blog. Absolutely beautiful, considering her amazing mother, whom in the very few, short times I got to meet her as a teenager I experienced her amazing spirit, is no longer with us--because of the same disease my mother has survived. And in the Lord's most infinite wisdom, her mother left and crossed the veil right around this time of year. Leaving those behind both blessed, and dare I say, cursed for the rest of their lives.

A most amazing author wrote about a young boy. A young boy who had lost his parents at a year old. A young man who then lived with abusive and neglectful relatives until he entered a wizard's world. But, even in this wizard world, he was still an orphan. Then, he lost a friend--a friend he tried to help save. And, this amazing author wrote about he, and another classmate, who had entered, through the most daunting, blessed, and horrible experience, a special club. They joined a group that eventually, most of us join. Strangely, though---we don't all join at the same time, in the same way, and are also left with the option of denying ourselves from "looking".

The two characters she wrote about joined a small group of young people at their school who could see thestrals. These are strange, mythical creatures, who only can be seen by those who have seen death. Eventually, by the end of this book series, most every youth/young adult who stayed at the school would be able to see thestrals. But, early on, only a very few could.

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, has blessed and cursed me with "early warnings" at times in my life. One, I realize now, came on my 12th birthday. Interestingly, I was telling this story once to my most wonderful hair stylist--who had experienced the same thing when she turned 12. Later, after her parents divorced, and her family experienced other major stressors, just a few short years later, she seemed to understand why (and interestingly, she did not have the same religious beliefs I did).

I sat, mid-way through that birthday, in my room, and sobbed. I sobbed because I was growing up--and seriously, it hurt. I loved my childhood. The Lord blessed me by keeping me joyously naive. My family was incredibly poor. I didn't know...or if I did, was blessed to not care. Although my mother was constantly stressed about money...I, for the most part, was happy to just play and live in "My world"--as my world was a great place. As much as life was not perfect....and as much as I still had sadness and so forth as a little kid--over all--I was quite happy!

And then, I had to turn 12. Some seem to grow up without much pain. My life did not work that way. By the next Christmas (13), I could see thestrals--although most people on the planet never knew that my family had experienced a loss. Life became more than painful. And I was left to choose. Choose to look at the thestrals, accept them--even embrace them. Or choose to run away, sit in denial, and pretend that grief is not real. Some in this life choose this--sometimes even leading to some of those social ills we often see and deal with, especially at this time of year. But, I had to choose.

Later, in college--the same semester that my roommate passed away, I took a Families in Crisis class. We had a special class, where we talked about grief, and how it affected families. My professor said something most wonderfully great. That grief is a physical illness. It has to be dealt with. It has to be worked through. It has to occur. But, we get to choose how to do it. We can deny it--and not look at the thestrals. Or, we can embrace them---find the blessings from knowing they're there--and accept that for the rest of our lives, we will see those thestrals. Or, we can run away.

Why--you may ask, am I discussing this? What a thing to talk about at Christmas? Who wants to think about death at such a time? Well, in my life, death and Christmas, since I was 13, have gone hand in hand. I honestly have come to embrace the reality that Christmas--and winter for that matter, usually sucks. And yet, just as in that amazing book series---the thestrals, in the end, help to save H a r r y and his friends. They become a part of life---and blessings come with them. So, at the same time that Christmas sucks, it also has joys, loves, and winter has lovely days that I look forward to.

Every major loss in my life, and there have been quite a few in my 31 years, have happened between October-February. Literally every one. From losing a sibling a week before Christmas, to my grandmother delivering her last personal Christmas gifts to every grandchild she could by August, before leaving in October of my senior year of high school. From my roommate leaving, crossing the veil weeks before Christmas, to both my grandfather's leaving weeks after Christmas--and within 4 weeks of each other. All of them have happened right around and surrounding Christmas. So much so, that there have been years (usually the first Christmas after the death) that I wished I could fly to Alaska and hide in a cabin until May! For some reason I assumed at 13, after the horrible Christmas that will never go away--when the thestrals appeared--when I was "shopping for shoes" in case my mother 'saw Jesus that night" as her life hung in the balance as well...that this would only occur once. No...I have since learned that the thestrals do not leave.

But, I have to admit, the hardest part about seeing the thestrals, is the exact problem that H a r r y had. Many--if not most--of his friends could not see them--yet. And I'm sure, a few of those who could see them, refused to look, cause somehow they thought it would just be easier to deny that they are there. To deny that life has it's major opposites....and that grief is a part of those opposites.

Why is this the hardest part? Because unless you're in the Seeing Thestrals club--and admit it---those whom can't or won't see them think you're weird. They pass judgement. Those whom drive past me when I'm sobbing at Christmas now, in my car, and don't understand, just probably think there's something wrong with me. It's like right after someone dies, how it feels like everyone expects you to be over it a week later. And that's just when you really begin to even deal with "it"--with grief.

Well, after reading my friend's dear letter--I've decided that perhaps what we need on this planet--at this time of year, especially, is an "I See Thestrals Christmas Club"--especially for those of us who experienced major loss right around Christmas, and refuse to deny our grief from occurring. Perhaps, we need people around us who understand why the same activities that bring smiles to most, can bring stinging tears to us. Why it is that when everyone else is joyfully singing carols, we're trying to just feel good enough to listen to them.

It's interesting because some years have been easier than others. But all Christmases I've experienced since thirteen have been painful in some way. Every one. I don't tell people this so they can feel sorry for me. I mean, honestly, part of me wants to go "dur" to those whom may even be surprised by this (I am single--the pain of loss when there was nothing to lose is especially painful, at times). But, I don't want people's pity--just as my sweet friend didn't want pity. No--mourning with those whom mourn does not mean that. What it means is understanding that you may not understand how I feel. What it means is recognizing that there are thestrals, and many of us who can see them--even if life has not brought them to you yet. That would especially be nice (remember how H a r r y felt when his friends looked at him like he was crazy cause he could see the thestrals and they couldn't?) It means not lecturing people about "seeking the Spirit of Christ" at Christmas....or trying to force people to be all Chrismassy. Mourning means sometimes Christmas just sucks--and what people need are others who know this, and care. It doesn't mean forcing hugs, but instead being brave enough to choose to face the realities--knowing that Christmas my suck, but thestrals bring blessings as well as pain.

Anyway...I'm babbling at this point. I've had so little sleep this week that it's amazing I can even put words together. But, I just wanted to share, at this time of year---that the real blessings of Christmas cannot be forced. They come wonderfully, and bitterfully, when we actually don't just believe, but truly know that Christ came to save us--because we've come to know the thestrals. We've come to know that it is only through His birth AND His death--that our loved one's will someday be resurrected--that the Lord keeps His promises, even if they don't happen in this life. This is the true reality of His birth and His death. Yes--celebrations are great--or they can be. But, I must say that no matter what traditions or celebrations occur or don't occur, grief and pain at Christmas are a part of the season as well. Some of my traditions that help with such pain involve serving others, secretly especially....and loving the "child-like" joys--Santa, Rudolph (that's why he's on my page), and so forth can help ease the pain. But, inevitably (like today--stupid UPS) something will bring me to the reality--(such as majorly overcharging to ship before Christmas--what a crock! $150.00!!! It was $40.00 last year--and gas prices are cheaper....but, I digress)---that I am a member of the "I See Thestrals Christmas Club". I'm grateful now for those thestrals...but must admit, sometimes I'm more grateful that I'm not alone in this club.

More Free Advertising

So--I'm giving away free advertising again today!!!

Now that my shopping is done--and the grading is *almost* done (the grades are in--now just comes the dozen or so grade changes that will have to occur....long story....)

...I'm giving away some free advertising.

I made the goal this year of trying, if possible, to support some people with great on-line businesses. Gotta love Etsy, and so forth.

Now--a few of them are listed right over there (look down and to your right)--

But--I'm actually going to give credit to a few, whom I got presents from.

First, we'll start with cute little owls!!!

These cute little owls are made by isewlucky! One of my nieces has been "into" owls every since Halloween. So--I took her onto isewlucky's Etsy shop--and she chose an owl I thought she would (pink). She pointed to it and said "I like pink owl". Here's the link to her blog: http://isewlucky.blogger.com

Of course--she had no idea that I was going to purchase the owl for her for Christmas :) Which, I promptly did. Then, it disappeared from the Etsy shop! We'd go back to the site (she would request it), and would say "Where pink owl?" I'm hoping she'll be excited to open it on Christmas!

Next, is a favorite blog and blogger of mine!

http://thompsonfamily.typepad.com/thompson_familylife/

I just love Danielle's kitschey designs throughout her blog! I"m not that "into" 70's stuff (well--I like to pretend I'm not)--but then I'll find something on her blog and go "oh my word--I remember that!" Plus--she likes things from 1950's to the 1970's (approx.)--so her style is pretty darn awesome!

Well--she mentioned these on her blog in about August:

http://thompsonfamily.typepad.com/thompson_familylife/2011/11/last-call-for-happy-mail-kit-printables.html

And I knew I was going to have to order one for another niece!!! She LOVES writing letters!!!

The best part about this kit is that she individualizes it. So--you can choose the "little retro kid" whom looks most like the child you're purchasing it for, you can get it personalized with their names and addresses! It's really awesome!

The other great thing? Although it's not "cheap"--she sends it as a pdf--so once you have it--it's yours to print off as many times as you, and the child, wants!

Well--I tried to find something "homemade" for my nephew--but didn't really find anything I really loved--

SO--I found this instead: http://www.fatbraintoys.com/

This awesome store--on top of this AMAZING toy store in my new city has made shopping this season REALLY fun :)

Oh--I even had to return something to them--and exchange it--and they made it REALLY easy!

This website is of a friend of mine!!! Yep--I actually know her personally :)

http://heidistock.blogspot.com/

I was able to purchase my Christmas cards through her this year. She took pictures I provided, and put them in a design I could choose (through her Etsy shop--you can find the link on her blog. She does birth announcements and so forth as well!)

The best part--it was only $12.00 for the service! Then she e-mailed a pdf--which I could print off as many as I needed! So cool!

Next, I was able to have my awesome cousins' wife do her graphic design "geekery", as she calls it, and design some business and place cards to help advertise about raising money for the orphan I've been raising money for this season!!! She gave me a more than generous price--and did such a great job!!!!

http://gdesigngeek.blogspot.com/

She has great talent--and even though she and her cute little family were sick off and on--she still worked hard to make them for me!

Finally--I found this website while searching for comfortable tights for my picky nieces (especially the little ones--I had to find some with no nylon--but that were cotton and stretchy--but not hot. Oh my--oh--and that were black--I had no idea how hard that would be!)

http://www.comfykid.com/

The price was really good for the tights as well!!! And they came VERY quickly!!! And, the last thing I heard was that the little one did not fight quite so bad about wearing them! Yee haa (we can hope anyway!)

I highly suggest them :)

Overall--I just have to say, that shopping on-line this season was what helped me actually get done! I purchases some things from old stand bys (Amazon.com, half.com, Seagull Book and Tape, and Deseret Book)--but love finding new businesses to have successful purchasing situations with! Oh--and interestingly enough--this year I did not find anything on Ebay. That is probably a first for a very long time!

Well--have a very Merry Christmas--and a Great New Year!

Breathing...

So--my mom told me today that, yet again, the valley where she lives in UT (Salt Lake Valley) is ENCRUSTED with nasty, horrible, literally chewable air!!!

UGH!!! I HATED that when I lived there. HATED!

Recently I was talking to a wonderful co-worker. She was describing to me how her husband had a respiratory infection. He also has asthma. And how hard it was for her to understand what it is like for him--cause she's never "not been able to breathe".

She admitted to probably not being patient enough with him.

I've been pondering this.

I was diagnosed "officially" with asthma when I was 17.

But--I'd probably had it since I was about 18 months old.

That winter was the first winter that I spent at least January with the "crud".

Which I had basically EVERY January until I moved away from UT.

I used to think it was just cause I was susceptible to germs. Ya--having asthma and living in the horrible, encrusted, practically chewable air of UT that seems to occur especially in December and January DOES NOT HELP!!!

I have learned since diagnosis--and especially since getting lung damage because of an asthma medication that gave me a 2 year infection in the mid-2000's--that there were literally times in my life I should have been in the hospital.

I've spent most of my life fighting to stay away from bronchitis.

I've literally (now) gone to the doctor, thinking I just had a "weird" cough--and left with the diagnosis of atypical pnuemonia (that would have turned into typical pneumonia if I had not caught it so early).

I've had plurisy for years.

So--let me see if I can describe for all of those not in the "know" what it is like to not be able to breathe:

You know those commercials where they talk about asthma--and show the fish out of water--ya--kind of like that.

But--how would you know if you've never experienced it?

I've literally walked into rooms--or outside from warm air to cold--and it's like my bronchial tubes all of a sudden don't know how to work.

Sometimes I have wheezing. Unfortunately, that's typically what people think of as "asthma"--

But ashtma is NOT ALWAYS WHEEZING!!!

Luckily--I was able to see a wonderful asthma/allergy specialist in UT--who taught me some of the symptoms/side effects of asthma that are typically not connected.

Things like high susceptibility to every upper chest respiratory infection known to man.

Getting the hic-ups a lot.

Getting a major side-ache EVERYtime you run, or sprint, or do major physical activities (this is a sign cause the muscles are not getting enough oxygen--thus they cause pain)

Sometimes asthma hurts.

Sometimes ashtma DOES NOT HURT!!!

Sometimes an asthma attack is set off. Typically, mine are connected to illness or allergies--or other things that "set it off" (second hand smoke is a big one)

But sometimes--you can just be walking a long--and you can get one.

Some people can "exercise" through their asthma.

Some cannot (I would typically be one of those).

Remember: asthma is inflamation of the bronchials. NOT the lower lungs--NOT the esophogus. NOT mucus (although mucus makes the inflammation worse if it's already there).

Being oxygen deprived is not fun.Luckily, most of the time--now that I live outside of UT--I don't experience quite as often as I did in UT. The high elevation didn't help (which I did not recognize until after I moved away from it!) It can lead to lowered "brain" functioning (I've experienced this--it's not fun). It can lead to nausea (typically this is when I've been having an asthma attack--coughing a lot--not fun). It can lead to heavy chest, chest pain (typically from coughing too much or very strongly), and lowered problem solving (cause you're more worried about breathing).

It can lead to higher level of fatigue--which is no fun--especially if you're a typically energetic person.

Just going from warm inside air to cold outside air can set it off (which NO ONE ever seems to understand!)

So--what is my point: well, a--that people who don't know what it feels like to not be able to breath--or have not experienced "really bad" asthma (and lung damage like I have)--please don't assume you know what it's like--cause you don't.

b. Breathing is DANG important!!! It's amazing how quick you learn that when you are having problems doing it.

c. Please don't assume you know how to treat asthma--or that there is a way to "cure" it or "work your way out of it". Doing breathing exercises, playing an instrument, and so forth does nothing for asthma. They don't "strengthen" your lungs. When people say this I can totally see that they HAVE NO CONCEPT ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE SAYING!!!! Asthma is all about inflamation--not "strength"!!! Even the strongest muscle in the world can become inflamed, and have problems--need treatement!!!

I've had people tell me crap like "well you should just walk it off". Kay--one of the worst things I can do when I'm having an asthma attack--is increase the amount of oxygen I have to take in!!! "Running" it off does not work.

d. Finally--please recognize that every person who has asthma is an individual, and their "illness" is VERY individual. Mine is more "serious" than most. But--I have other friends who have it worse than me. I also have some whose problems are pretty benign. So, just cause you think it "worked for you"--doesn't mean it will work for others.

And finally--the last thing I want to say--is that breathing is important enough that if you or your child are not breathing well--PLEASE SEEK OUT A GOOD ASTHMA DOCTOR (ALLERGY DOCTOR)--AND SEE THEM OFTEN!!!! AND DO WHAT THEY SAY THE BEST YOU CAN!!!

If there is anything that drives me the most nuts (and yes, I even have family members who fall into this club) are those whom know they have asthma--but live in "denial" land about it--and never get the treatment they truly need--never actually know or feel what it means to have their asthma "under control". It's a beautiful feeling--but "denying" it just cause you want to live in "denial" land is stupid! Asthma is dangerous enough it should not be messed with!

And--having asthma under control--means that you don't have to take your emergency inhaler more than once a week (less than that is better). So those taking it 10 plus times a day DO NOT HAVE THEIR ASTHMA UNDER CONTROL!!! This could be just because their asthma has gotten worse--so I'm not suggesting judging here. But--others just don't seek help. And that drives me a little nutty!

So--take a deep breath--and be thankful you can!